Homage.

This is going to blow your mind.

Are you ready?

Content Unrelated isn't the only page on the Internet.

I know, I know.  Settle down, children.

I come across a ton of ridiculous, hysterical, mind-blowing or disturbing shit every time I click the Google Chrome icon on my desktop.  What do you expect, though?  The Internet contains all the fucked up shit the entire world has to offer, and you can see every vomit-inducing, side-splitting moment while in the comfort of your own home.  In your own chair.  In the dark.  Pantsless.

Weirdo.

That being said, I'm not going to show you all the aforementioned ridiculous, hysterical, mind-blowing or disturbing shit.  You can satisfy your own shameful, twisted curiosities on your own time.

Fucking perverts.

In this post, I want to pay tribute to some of the sites and blogs that have articles or posts that have made me puke myself inside-out with laughter, made my face go "whatthefuck?!" and everything else in between.

1.  I got yer pie charts right here!  Via 27bslash6.com

David Thorne loves to fuck with people.  In this post, someone tries to get him to do free logo work and pie charts with the promise that there "could be some money in it" for him.  Thing is, Thorne has done pro bono work for this dude before, so he'll have none of it.  This exchange of e-mails had me in hysterics.

David Thorne is also responsible for the seven-legged spider.

Read the whole post.

Follow 27bslash6 on Twitter.

2.  Wailin' for Palin - Via Cosmic Navel Lint

Bren Tierney, writer of the above-mentioned blog, posted a video the other day that almost killed me.  Do you remember that one song by the band who named themselves after a five-pack of Hanes undershirts?  I'm not going to mention the band or the song, because even I don't hate you enough to want you to end up with that song stuck in your head -- even though the painful memories of said song will come flooding back to you after you recover from your paralyzing laughter, caused by watching this video:

And when you're finished with this post, be sure to read through more Cosmic Navel Lint.  Here's a little about the author:  "Polite, accommodating, flexible, erudite and warm - are all things which people have called my twin brother. My name's Bren Tierney, I'm a native of the UK and find life and people endlessly enthralling - usually to the point of amusement. Here's where I write about it."

The whole post.

Follow Bren on Twitter.

3.  Get Vajazzled with Erin O'Brien.
O'Brien, of the Erin O'Brien Owner's Manual for Human Beings (a title which turned me on to her slice of the blogosphere to begin with), introduced her readers to the wonderful world of vajazzling.

Yes.  It's just like it sounds.

Bedazzled vaginas, y'all.





It's at this point O'Brien makes some very valid arguments.  I'll let you read them for yourself, but the one that concerns me the most is, as she said, "What if you lose some of those crystals?  I mean really lose them?"

Imagine getting one of those bad boys caught up in the holiest of holies.

Pun intended.

Stick around the Owner's Manual for O'Brien's thoughts on grammar.  Also, hysterical cooking tips that will make you wish all cookbooks came like that.

Get the rest of the vajazzle post here.
O'Brien on Twitter.

4.  Tremendous News helps Facebook steal from Twitter.
Tremendous News makes milk come out of my nose on multiple occasions.  I love the way the articles are written.  There's something so simple about the writing style, but in a way that still manages to generate a shit-ton of laughs on my end.

In this post, Tremendous News talks about the five remaining things Facebook can steal from Twitter.  Actually, that's what the article is called.  But that's beside the point.  Here's my favorite snippet:

5.  Make Sure Your Service Goes Down Every Afternoon at 3pm EST.

Twitter goes over capacity a lot.

Because millions of nerds need to tweet shrunken URLs to 35 Beautiful Wordpress Themes.

And then when it fails, they get upset and need to tweet their frustration.

But they can't.

It's fucking hilarious.

I'm telling you -- most of it's written like this.  It's an easy read, and more importantly, a hysterical one.

The four other things Facebook can steal from Twitter.
Speaking of Twitter -- follow Tremendous News.

5.  Google Search implies the Badass Geek likes to put hot water on his balls because it feels good.

The Badass Geek begs to differ.

In this post, the Badass reflects on some search terms people have used in Google that have then directed them to the blog.  The post actually inspired me to register for Google Analytics so I could at some point write my own post about all the messed up shit people might be searching for when they come across Content Unrelated.

"I like to put hot water on my balls because it feels good" - Ouch. Just... ouch. I'm all for people having fetishes and whatnot that helps get their respective rocks off, but I draw the line when it comes to introducing scalding hot water to my California Raisins. 

I like the Geek's writing because while he doesn't rely on quick one-liners and four-letter words to be funny, he is very, very good at telling really humerus stories with the use of incredibly unique descriptions of his everyday encounters -- like this one of some weird-ass lady at a doctor's office.

Here's more search terms.
Follow the Badass Geek on Twitter.

---

I'd like to do this more often.  The Internet is a big fucking place, and God knows you're looking for some variety.  There are only so many STD jokes you can take before you want to gouge your eyes out.

So read some of these blogs, and check out the rest of the ones on my blogroll, right over there on the right sidebar.

Just don't forget to come back.

Happy St. ReasonToGetShitfaced Day!

We all have reasons for getting completely pants-shitting drunk.

Terrible day at the office?  Go out with your coworkers and drink!

Problems with the significant other?  Go out with your friends (the ones he or she never lets you hang out with otherwise) and drink!

Have a midterm the next day?  Drink while you study!

Failed that midterm?  Drink while you beg your parents for more money so you can re-take the semester!

DUI?  Uh.  Wait.

Knocked up?         Shit.  Too far.  Too far.

I'll stop there.

That was almost awful.  You people might get the wrong idea about me.  I have an image to maintain, you know.  I need to keep this place classy.

Had I been a celebrity, I would've had to apologize for that.  It's a good thing Content Unrelated is so underground.

It's like if blogs were Indie.  Not a lot of people really get the point, but the people who do can't seem to fucking get enough of it.

I don't do research for Content Unrelated, because integrity really isn't on my list of priorities.

Point is, I've heard the Irish are fans of everything that makes the liver quiver.

I love stereotypes.  Especially one that gives me a reason to get plastered on a Wednesday.

In actuality, your Bullshitter-in-Chief will not be getting his obliteration-on this St. Patrick's Day.  I much prefer to watch the bad decisions, pissed pants, drunk-dials and hilariously uncontrollable projectile vomiting from the sidelines.

Instead, my celebration will consist of none other than a bowl of Lucky Charms, receiving my luck o' the Irish via hearts, stars and horseshoes, clovers and blue moons, pots of gold and rainbows, and the red balloons.

I just really like how the Lucky himself doesn't so much look like he wants his Lucky Charms so much as he wants to consume your soul.

It's uncanny.

All joking aside (I know, that was as weird for me to say as it was for you to read), don't do anything moronic today.  Have fun.  Shit your pants.  I don't care.

Just don't do anything retarded.  No one wants to remember St. Patty's Day as the day they got herpes or the day they met their new life partner in prison.  People do care about you -- even if they found out you read this blog.

Shit just got serious in here.  Don't get used to it.

Otherwise -- eat green, drink green, piss green.  Just don't drink the green piss.

Happy St. Patrick's Day.  Be safe, bitches!

And for the love of God, sing this song tonight.

Introducing the hip, new Census

The Census just got cool, y'all.

While watching TV (an activity I frequent -- surprised?), I'd peeled my ass off the couch and headed to the kitchen for another three pounds of frozen Thin Mints I had stashed in the freezer.

While loading up my wheelbarrow of chocolaty, minty heaven to drag back to the couch, I heard something.  It was a song.  A rap song.  Based on the immediate information my ears sent to my brain, my brain nearly convinced my body to violently throw something heavy at the TV to destroy it and then promptly find the tallest building in town to jump off of.

At first I was confused.  I was almost positive I wasn't on BET when I left the couch, and I checked my pulse to make sure I hadn't died and gone straight to Hell.

Shawty wanna buuurn.

Because I'm a sucker for punishment and I very much love to torture myself, I used my DVR and rewound the TV so I could see exactly what the fuck was going on.

This is what the fuck was going on.

I can't even begin to comprehend this.  I mean, 11-year-olds aren't going to fill out the Census, and I feel like those are the only people in the country this particular commercial would target.

I'll be the first to admit I know nothing when it comes to like, rap and shit -- so I couldn't tell you whether or not the beat is "sick," or if it has a nice "flow" or anything like that.

All I know is, the commercial made me sick and the vomit flow.

Dear Census Bureau, stop trying to make filling out a questionnaire cool.  I can't imagine anyone running the show over there to be under the age of 60, so just ... just stop.

You're like the grandpas of the world trying to relate to their grandkids by saying things like "fo-shizzle."

It doesn't work on them, and neither will this.

Seriously.  Stop.

Truth in Advertising 3: Dick in what now?!

I came across this commercial a couple years back, initially.  In my never-ending, bloodshot-eyed quest to bring you the funny, the stupid and ridiculous -- I stumbled upon it again shortly after I'd lost all hope in humanity.

Seriously.  Have you been on YouTube lately?  The things people will do to be Internet-famous.

So here's the ad.  The product is called Dicken's Cider.  I'll let the commercial do the talking.




I haven't found a specific Web site for Dicken's Cider, but there is a Facebook page for it, and that's the extent of research I'm willing to do for you.

I'm not entirely sure if the page was created for the love of the YouTube video, or if it's an actual fan page for an actual drink.  After all, people make fan pages for really stupid things.

See?

The look on the kid's face at 0:35 is priceless.  I'm pretty sure I would've shit bricks if, on the first meeting of my girlfriend's father, he would've asked me if I wanted a Dicken's Cider, because I didn't even know such a drink existed, so my mind would've immediately crashed and burned in the gutter.

Aaand boom goes the dynamite.

Thing is, our boy Jack here doesn't have a fucking clue.  Poor, poor bastard.  Guy thinks he's been given permission to do the deed on the first date, all because he isn't up to date on the hip new energy drinks.

Jack here is going to need a little more than a Dicken's Cider to cure the devastating blue balls he's going to have once he figures out the only laying he's going to be doing that night is in his bed.  Alone.  Crying himself to sleep.

---

Here's more Truth.
<-- 2.5 - 2 - 1 -->

Things that Suck 19

Welcome to another fun-filled, positive and uplifting Things that Suck post.  Before we get into the sex, let's get some foreplay out of the way.

No, it's not Monday.  I've come to terms with the fact that these particular posts may or may not fall on Mondays anymore.  This is something you're going to have to deal with on your own time.  I have things to do, and I don't have time to sit here and tell you everything's going to be okay and hold your hand or some shit.

Suck it up.

Be an adult.

So, why not Mondays?  Mondays seemed to be a perfect day to bitch and moan about how things suck, right?  We really had a good thing going there, didn't we?

Let me tell you a bit about how my brain works.

It doesn't work.  Plain and simple.

I tried too hard to push out posts every week, and at first, it worked out pretty well.  I had a lot of white, suburban, middle-class rage pent up inside me.  It's hard out there, you know?

The fun soon wore off.  I still enjoyed writing, but I fucking hate deadlines.  I can't even begin to tell you the number of drunken all-nighters I pulled in college trying to start and finish research papers I had an entire semester to do.

Once I started thinking in terms of, "Ah, shit, I need to bang out a Things that Suck tonight because tomorrow's Monday already," it immediately turned into work.

I like bitching to you guys.  I just don't like having to work, that's all.  I'm a lazy prick, and we've discussed this ad nauseam.  I haven't forsaken you.  I'm still here to curse at you and paint word-pictures of myself finger-pointing, spitting and foaming at the mouth over really retarded shit.

All that being said, Things that Suck will no longer (in case you haven't figured this part out already) be exclusively saved for Mondays.  I'll post that shit whenever I want, and dammit, you're going to fucking like it.

Here's your list, ladies.

1.  Mondays

Yeah, I fucking did.  I've spent the last 18 posts talking shit about Mondays, and for good reason.  No one in their right mind wants to go back to work on Monday.  After a weekend of bad decisions, binge-drinking, orgies and enough drug abuse to render you into a giggling, seizing, wall-licking, Leprechaun-chasing mess -- you want nothing more than to shut yourself off from the rest of the world for just one day of recovery so you can face Tuesday with nothing more than a little cottonmouth and itchy genitalia.

I support you.

2.  When someone blocks the right turn lane.

If this sounds familiar to you, it's because I covered something very similar to it in a previous post.  This one's different in that instead of talking about the left lane, we're -- you guessed it, you geniuses! -- talking about the right lane.

Picture this, y'all.  You're driving on a two-lane road and you're fast-approaching (I say fast because you probably drive like a maniac) an intersection.  At this particular juncture, your trusty GPS indicates you need to make a right turn at said intersection because it's the quickest way to the XTC at which you plan to buy a new date to inflate later that evening.

You're close to the light when it turns yellow.  No matter, you think.  You won't have to wait because you're going to make a right turn, and everyone knows a motherfucker can turn right on red.

It's the rules, y'all.

You prepare to make your turn.  You're close now, but what's this?  Some snowbird dickhead from fucking Antarctica slams on his brakes at the yellow.  Turn.  Turn right, you slut! You scream over Lady GaGa.  Don't make me wait for you!  Why are you going straight!  PLEASE DON'T GO STRAIGHT.  People start staring.  You relax, but you are far from chill.  All you want to do is turn right and the asshole in front of you didn't have enough sense or courtesy to utilize the left lane --exclusively for cars going straight -- and instead held you back another five minutes.

On the flipside -- don't you hate being that guy?  I mean, we've all been there.  You thought you were going to make the light but you totally didn't.  You want to go straight and you notice the guy behind you with his right signal on.  You get uncomfortable.  You fidget in your seat, maybe inching your car forward in a subconscious attempt at letting the person behind you know that you understand their frustrations with your stupid ass.  You want them to know that you get it.

But you're still a douche.

3.  When the radio overplays your favorite song.

So you just bought this new CD.  All the songs (except the first single) are fantastic.    Track three blows your fucking mind.  It's brilliant.  You can totally relate to the lyrics, and the guitar solo -- oh, my God the solo!  It rips your face off.  You feel like you're the only person in the world who even knows this song exists.

And then 98.9 THE BONE gets a hold of it.

And then 87 percent of your friends on Facebook have some lyric from the song as a status update.

And then everywhere you go, some fuckwad has it as his ringtone -- letting it ring all the way through just because he wants people to hear how cool he is for having it as a ringtone in the first place.

Sidenote -- if you're one of those fuckwads, people secretly hate you.

And then you go to work, and people are all, "Oh, man!  Have you heard the newest song from suchandsuch band!  It's like, so good or whatever OMGLOL!"

And then every time you hear that song from then on, you hate it with a passion that burns deeper and hotter than if the Devil himself had herpes.

You loved that song, too.  Lost your virginity to it and everything.  Now you hate it, and your relationship is destined to fail.

---

There you go, children.  I hope you enjoyed your Things that Suck fix.  If you have anything sucky you need discussed here on a TtS post, write that shit in the comments!  You've seen how we do things around here, give me some thoughts.

First time on Content Unrelated?  There are many ways the blog is whored out on the Internet.  The links are on the right.  Google member?  Click 'Follow.'  Rely on Twitter or Facebook?  Links for those pages are over there, too.

If you like what you see, post that shit on your walls, show some RT love or tell your friends.  No need to be greedy about the whole thing.  The time is now to spread Content Unrelated like it's the hip, new STD.

Hop in the Delorian, hit 88 and go back in time with previous Things that Suck posts!

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