Why Chick-fil-A wins.

There are few things in this world that elicit feelings of warmth, happiness and pure bliss.

Some things just leave you with a big smile on your face; while others could quite possibly fill you with so much positive energy, your head has the potential to fucking explode.

These things are different for different people.

For some, it might be sex or chocolate. Or, if you prefer, sex with chocolate. That's not really something you'd want to tell your friends, though.

I got it on with a Hershey's bar last night. We made beautiful s'mores together. Also, for future reference, M&M's don't just melt in your mouth.

I won't tell if you won't.

Still, others might get an emotional hard-on for fast cars or Conor Oberst or live shows or Michael Bay films.

All I'm saying is, we all have things that light our respective fires. While my list of these things may be different than yours, I think we can all agree on one thing.

Chick-fil-A is the bomb-diggity.

Assuming you're a Chick-fil-A fan, imagine you're driving down the highway, right? And you're fucking starving. Every exit you pass has four Cracker Barrel signs, maybe a sign for Subway, or like, 12 McDonald's signs.

Finally, you see an exit with a Chick-fil-A in one of those squares, or you pass a billboard with that grammatically-challenged cow. Don't you get all warm and tingly on the inside? You might thank your god of choice as you merge right, preparing your taste buds for what can only be described as

Oh, shit! Look! Only one mile! Merge! MERGE, MOTHERFUCKER, MERGE!

The last paragraph ended like that on purpose, because there are no words.

ZING.
Also, no picture for 'zing.'

So why am I wasting time writing about a fast food restaurant? There's nothing special about them. They're all over the place. They all serve pretty much the same purpose, and that purpose is to quickly fill us up taking as little of our time and money as possible.

That being said, I give you (finally):

Four reasons why Chick-fil-A fucking wins.
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1. Chick-fil-A's people love you.

While your typical shithole fast food place is just simply there, Chick-fil-A is there for you. No matter how terrible, horrible, no good or very bad Alexander's day was, all his problems would have vanished had he just gone to a fucking Chick-fil-A.

From the minute you walk in until you leave, the people who work there smile at you with the kind of smile only seen on a guy who nearly kills his roommates because of an epic fart after a night of binge drinking.

Beer farts are the best farts, right guys?

Man, I keep it classy.

Anyway, they say things like, "My pleasure," and they come to your table and ask if you need more to drink and stuff. These aren't tipped employees. Keep that in mind. It's hard enough for someone who works in an actual restaurant to be nice enough to ask you if you want a refill of your tasty beverage.

2. The Chick-fil-A cow is cool as fuck.

The last time I was in a Chick-fil-A, I had the pleasure of meeting the cow. He rocked a backwards hat and sunglasses and was giving people high-fives and stuff. If Will Smith hadn't gotten the role of the Fresh Prince, the cow would have.

I can't say the same for Burger King's nightmare-inducing mascot. The creepy bastard.

3. Sometimes they give you free samples of an entire menu item.

I shit you not. This happened to me today, which is probably why I'm taking the time to incessantly kiss Chick-fil-A's ass. I'd ordered my delicious chicken (attempting to fight the urge to say 'sangwich' because I don't like stealing jokes) sandwich, then I sat down and waited for the girl to bring me my food because that's what they do there. Meanwhile, someone else came by and asked me if I wanted to try a sample of one of their breakfast items. I said 'sure' and she lowered the tray to reveal an entire chicken burrito.

"Do you wanna like, cut off a piece or something?"

"Nope, the whole thing's yours if you wanna try it."

"Forreal?"

"Forreal."

Forreal.

4. Chick-fil-A is closed on Sundays.

There's nothing worse than wanting a chicken sandwich and waffle fries on Sunday. Especially if you forget it's Sunday.

You get off from your early shift at work and you're starving. You think to yourself, man, you know what would really hit the spot right now? A chicken sandwich and waffle fries from Chaaawwwww FUCK! It's SUNDAY!

It's been said that wars and other man-made disasters have been caused by people desperately wanting Chick-fil-A on a Sunday.

While this sucks in theory, I appreciate a business that gives a shit about its employees. Thus, it makes the list.

All the above being said, I'm going to go try to figure out why I just spent the better part of my Thursday night writing about fucking Chick-fil-A.

Until next time, my (nearly) nonexistent readers.