Monday's Things That Suck - Part 2

"...but in this world, nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes."  -Benjamin Franklin

And Mondays.

The only thing that could really be worse than death, taxes and Mondays would be if, like, the April 15th tax day was on a Monday of that year.  It's Monday, right?  And you have to deal with the post office and paying taxes and stuff, then on your way out of the post office, say like, you get hit by a bus.

Got hit by a bus.

So Monday is here again.  In case you're just tuning in, I've started a Monday list of Things that Suck.  Why a list of things that suck?  Because Mondays have an awesome reputation for sucking, and I intend to capitalize on that by, I don't know, making it worse, I guess.

1.  Stubbing your toe on a cold day.

It's usually when you first wake up, when you have a better chance of not seeing that bowling ball, vacuum cleaner, or the coffee table that's been in the same spot for at least the last two fucking years.  Either way, you're tired, and it's cold in your cave of an apartment because your heater's broken and your landlord's an asshole.  One minute you're minding your own business making your way to the bathroom, the next minute, you're experiencing what you think -- in that particular instance -- is the most painful feeling you've ever had to endure.  You know the little trooper is shattered into a million pieces, or you assume the nail is totally gone.  You're on the floor for a good 10 minutes crying for your mother or praying for a swift death or something.

They say breaking your femur or giving birth to a child is the most pain any human could ever experience.  I say it's stubbing your shoeless toe in the dead of winter.

2.  Auto-Tuning.

Don't know what it is?  Just listen to every hit music station in America and you're bound to hear at least three songs every half-hour that rely heavily on auto-tuning.  Still confused?  Talk to your parents, maybe a close friend or a teacher.  Auto-tuning should only be used for fun, like how the people from Auto-Tune the News use it.  Any other use of the auto-tuner should be a breach of contract with every record label interested in making decent music.

3.  It's Sunday, and you want Chick-fil-A.

I've written before about Chick-fil-A, and how I have an appreciation for them giving a shit about their employees, sticking to their principles and closing on Sundays.  When you're used to Chick-fil-A, though, there really isn't much else to fill the void then they aren't there for you.  So when you've passed the wanting-to-vomit-uncontrollably stage of your hangover and the only thing you can think about is a value-sized number five 12-count, you're screwed, sir or ma'am.  Screwed.  What the fuck are you going to do now?  Nothing.  Because there's nothing you can do.  Just find the darkest corner of your house to cry in, and try not to off yourself before Monday comes.

In fact, that might be one of the only good things about Mondays.  Getting a Chick-fil-A fix after it being closed the day before.  BOOM.  Silver lining, guys.

4.  Stepping in gum.

Why is it you have to suffer because some inconsiderate asshole didn't wrap their gum in a piece of paper?  There is gum everywhere, and you should consider yourself lucky if you make it through the day without stepping in someone else's thoughtlessness.  You know how hard it is to get that shit off your shoe?  And usually there are pieces of dead grass or something stuck to that, too.  Here's a bonus for you.  Accidentally touching gum stuck to the bottom of a table at a restaurant.  These people are in a fucking restaurant.  Napkins everywhere they look, yet they still can't figure out how the fuck to actually use them.  Just choke on your gum and save us the trouble.

Fucking disgusting.

5.  The way your car gets smelly after it rains.

Living where I live, I deal with rain on a constant basis.  Getting in and out of your car without getting yourself and the interior of your car completely soaked is -- and will forever be -- a pain in the ass.  I don't know -- or care to know -- the science behind it, but shortly after the rain has passed (assuming you've been in and out of your car during the actual rain), there's a pretty good chance your car smells like you pick up and collect roadkill in your trunk like it's a fucking hobby.  Do you wonder the rest of the day if any of that God-awful stench hung onto your clothes after you got out of your car?  I do.  I don't need people thinking I don't bathe or that I enjoy shitting my pants on a regular basis or something.

So that's that, ladies and gents.  Monday's here to totally fuck with you whether you like it or not.  So grab yourself a cup of coffee, put on some good music for the commute and kick Monday's ass.