Is it Manly? - Series Permiere

In an effort to make sure this blog has no discernible central theme or direction, I'm introducing yet another new series of posts to keep you on your toes/totally fuck with you.  Either way.  I'm doing it whether you like it or not.

Have you facepalmed yet?  I have.

This series -- which will probably be updated once a week/whenever I feel like it/never, ever again -- will tackle products and services generally targeted toward a unisex crowd, but that are also generally socially unacceptable/weird/crippling for men who want chicks to take them seriously as men.

Is it Manly? will feature one product or service in each post.  Based on research conducted by me and fueled by my opinions alone (yeah, this'll be a real winner), I'll provide a slew (or maybe one, depending on what I feel like at the time) of examples as to why society might view these products and services as less than manly.

At the end of each post, I'll tell you if the featured product/service should be moved to the socially acceptable column, based on evidence that I, again, will provide.

In this installment of Is it Manly?, we take a look at the elliptical machine you see at gyms, fitness centers, or advertised on TV at 3 a.m. while you're sitting there in the dark fisting a bag of pork rinds.

This is what they look like, in case you've never been to a gym or have no TV and pork rinds.

Before we totally judge dudes for using a machine that basically makes it look like you're prancing in place, let's go over the benefits and drawbacks of using these things.

Benefits:
Easier on the knees than a treadmill.
Burns more calories than a treadmill.

Drawbacks:
It kinda makes you look like a girl.  What with all the prancing.

See?  That's what I call evidence.  You can only find this type of diligent research and quality support on Content Unrelated.  That is my guarantee.

Similar, more manly options:
From what I gather, though it is roughly half as manly (46 percent less manly, to be precise) as running on a treadmill, it is still nearly twice as effective.  The only other machines you can really use are the bike and that bitch-ass stairmaster.  We've all ridden bikes before, guys.  You spend 30 minutes on one of those fucking things, and you feel like your manhood is being squashed out of the pores of your scrotum like Play-Doh through the spaghetti machine.

Not pictured:  A visual metaphor for your testicles being squeezed through the pores of your scrotum.  You're welcome.

So, is it manly?
So based on your options at the gym, and my amazing research and evidence; I have to conclude that, overall, the elliptical machine should be socially acceptable for men to use without their sexuality being questioned.  Ladies, just appreciate the fact that we're using the goddamn thing to lose some weight in the first place, because we're probably fucking doing it for you to begin with.  God.

How could it be manlier?
If you slowed down too much, a cage made of fire would drop down around you and the machine, and you'd be forced to battle an armored grizzly bear to the death.

Artistic rendering.