Welcome to the third installment of Things that Suck. If this is your first time, it might hurt a little bit. Also bear in mind the title is not a literal one. There will be no talk of cheap prostitutes or vacuum cleaners here.
Due to the current state of the economy, cutbacks have been made to Content Unrelated. These cutbacks have affected your Monday dose of Things that Suck. Instead of the list of five that you're normally used to, the list has been reduced to three. This may not make sense to you now as these types of blogs are a free service to the writer, but I hope you'll find it in your heart to understand.You've been warned.
So without further delay, here is your middle-finger-to-Monday list ofSeriously. The understanding. It's in your heart.
1. Forgetting to take your clothes out of the washer or dryer when they're finished.
Setting aside the fact that the act of doing laundry itself sucks, we've all at one time or another left our shit in the washer or dryer. I would hope pretty much any one of you reading these words has at least attempted to do your own laundry at one point. If you have, you know what the fuck I'm talking about. If you haven't, ask one of your parents or another adult to show you the basics of doing laundry after they finish wiping your ass for you.
Leaving your clothes in the washer too long after they're done yields a smell comparable to shitting in a jug of milk, dumping the contents over a half-eaten chicken and leaving everything out on the counter for a couple weeks.
You can really only do one of two things at this point. You can either 1.) Re-wash the clothes (but who the fuck wants do re-do something they hate doing in the first place?), or 2.) Take that load of laundry out back and set that shit on fire.*"I'll take 'Things that smell like spoiled dead chicken shit-milk for $500.'"
*I'm pretty sure this is the part where I tell you not to actually try that shit at home.
The second part to this doesn't really require much of an explanation. The idea behind taking your shit out of the dryer right when it finishes is so it won't come out wrinkled. If you hate doing laundry, it probably goes without saying you really fucking hate ironing.
2. Dropping shit in the toilet (that isn't your actual shit).
It happens often. More often than people probably like to admit. It also usually happens after you've already done whatever it is you needed to do, so whatever it is you've dropped in the throne is now soaking in your own filth. Cell phones, blackberries, those douchy sunglasses you got that are the size of your fucking face -- people drop these things in the John all the time.
This guy dropped a whole fucking person.
So what do you do now? In most situations, you have no choice but to fish it out with your bare hands. You have to reach into a bowl of water containing your own brown and yellow (or someone else's brown and yellow, depending on a number of circumstances; is it a port-o-potty? did the guy before you forget to flush?), make the best attempt you can to clean the item off, and then -- assuming it's a pair of sunglasses -- try to forget that five minutes ago, the thing you're putting on your face was covered in shit.
You want to get your fallen items out of the shitcan? Be a man. Do it like Daniel Tosh:
| Tosh.0 | Returns Oct. 8th | |||
| Outhouse Diving | ||||
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3. Walking around all day with your fly down.
So it's like, three in the afternoon. You're finally able to take a couple minutes to use the can (are you noticing a theme, here?), you go to unzip your fly and, wait a second, did you already unzip it out of habit and not realize it? No, that's not right, unless ... oh, fuck! Has that been down all fucking day? You haven't been to the bathroom since you left your house at 8 a.m.! Shit! All day. All fucking day you've walked around with your shame half-exposed to the world. Oh, my God. That really hot girl you ran into at the coffee shop, she must've seen your Sponge Bob boxers with the rainbows on it. Oh fuck! That's why she wouldn't give you her number! That's why she walked away so fast! And, and remember when you thought everyone was laughing at you, and you assumed it was because the bud you smoked on your lunch break was bad? People actually were laughing at you! God, you're so embarrassed!
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So there you have it. Another Monday down, and as many Mondays to go until the end of 2012.
Think Monday sucks as much as I do? Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck. If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.
May your last six hours and 37 minutes of today suck less than the first 17 hours and 23 minutes.
hahahaha!
ReplyDeleteI actually like doing laundry (weird, yes I know) but I HATE ironing. And I forget to put my clothes in the dryer ALLLLLL the time. I evern tried paying Leigh to iron for me....