Monday's Things that Suck #5

The anal edition!

No, I'm only kidding.

It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams.  In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will (assuming I don't run out of ideas) provide a list of three things that totally suck each week.

Here is this week's fuck-you list to Monday.  Things that Suck #5:  The Anal Edition.

1.  Waking up 30 minutes before your alarm goes off.

To some people, this might be a good thing.  They get an extra half-hour to prepare for the kick in the face the beginning of the week will most assuredly provide.  There can only be one clear explanation for those who enjoy waking up before they're supposed to -- they're insane.

Let me tell you how it goes down for the rest of us normal folk.

Say you've got to be awake at 7:00 so you can make it to work by 8:00, because God knows if you're late one more time your boss will have a fucking stroke; but not before removing the spine from your body in a fit of rage because not five minutes before this, that stupid intern brought him decaf instead of regular.  He always brings decaf.  Why can't he fucking get it right?  I heard he jammed the copier yesterday, too.

So instead of getting up after the third or fourth time you've hit the snooze button, you find yourself awake at 6:30.  There are many different thoughts going through your head about what you should do at this point, but all of them involve you going back to sleep so you can take advantage of an extra half hour.

We all know what happens next.

You overshoot your normal wake-up time by roughly 47 minutes.  You wake up with just enough time to say "fuck" six times, grab a half-eaten slice of pizza from the fridge, put on the same thing you wore yesterday and say "fuck" three more times.

Hey, on the way to your last day of work, you might want to consider where you want to work next and stop there to pick up an application.  You're going to be late anyway, what's 10 more minutes?

2.   Your fingers + thin toilet paper.

Sorry guys, this one's gross.

Okay so you know when you go to like, you know -- wipe your ass, you know, after you like, take a shit.  Yeah, then.  Terrible things can happen to you during the end process of Number Two (haha, "end" process).

Say you're at this really crummy gas station filling your tank.  You'd just come from breakfast, and this one place you know downtown has these really fucking amazing breakfast burritos.  Only this time, the burrito isn't going down without a fight.  It usually goes against everything you believe in to use gas station restrooms; but if you don't make an exception this time, there's a pretty good chance the apocalypse is going to happen right there in your pants.

So you're taking the kids to the pool, and the time comes to, I don't know, dry them off?  I'm not really sure how to finish that metaphor.  That one doesn't really work, though, it has the implication that you're going to dry off the -- well, you get it.  Anyway, this dumpy gas station you're at only stocks the toilet paper that has the durability of 80-year-old newspaper and a texture similar to the paper version of a fucking cactus.

About to finish your business, you grab the toilet paper and do your thing, but something isn't right.  Where you once thought was a physical (albeit thin) barrier between your fingers and dirty asshole, has dissolved before you've finished with that particular wad.

Congratulations.  You just wiped your ass with your index and middle fingers.

You're less careful now about how much toilet paper you use, because fuck the environment, right?  You just stuck your hand in your own shit.  All you can think about now is how quickly you can get the hell out of that bathroom so you can stick your hand in boiling water.

If it's one thing Mallrats has taught us, it's that shit-stink does not come off your hands.

The Stinkpalm from Mallrats.  Brought to you by Youtube.

Here's how it goes down, in case you don't feel like clicking the link.  Thanks, IMDb.

Brodie: After all he's done to you, you should still kinda stick it to him.

T.S. Quint: How do you propose I do that?

Brodie: You stinkpalm him.

T.S. Quint: Stinkpalm?

Brodie: You take your hand and stick it in your ass like this. You been walkin' all day and you're nervous, so no doubt you'll be sweaty as hell.

T.S. Quint: You should see yourself right now, a grown man with his hand down his pants.

Brodie: Yeah i probably look like my old man. So you shake hands with the guy, "Hello Mr. Svenning how have you been?"

T.S. Quint: Whats the point?

Brodie: You know how long it takes for that smell to come off? Scrub all you want, it'll stick around for at least two days. How does he explain it to his colleagues and family? They'll think he doesn't know how to wipe his ass properly.

T.S. Quint: Meanwhile you yourself are left with a hand that smells like shit.

Brodie: Small price to pay for the smiting of one's enemies.

 

You're welcome.  And no, I didn't make the one about shit item number two of this list on purpose.

3.  Those timed push-to-operate water faucets.

These are those faucets you need to push in order to make the water come out.  In some cases, you have to hold it down with one hand and somehow wash the other with itself.

I mean, think about it for a second.  Say you're in a situation (shit-uation?) like the one proposed in item number two.  You've unintentionally stinkpalmed yourself, and the only thing you can think about is dumping copious amounts of soap and near-boiling water on your hands and scrubbing until you see bone marrow.  With these bullshit faucets, you can't do that.  You don't control the faucet, the faucet controls you.  A lot of times, there isn't even a setting for hot and cold on these pieces of shit.  All you can do is wash each hand individually with itself (and there's not a single way to do this without looking like a damned fool) because your other hand is preoccupied with making the water go.

Not only that, but while you're switching hands to hold the faucet down, the one that you just cleaned is now touching the faucet -- which is probably all covered with other people's shit-matter anyway.  You could come out of this situation with more crap on your hands than when you came in.

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Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem.  Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.

Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.

Four.  Three.  Two.  One.

Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.  Seriously!  What an honor it would be for you!

NOTE:  I had a little snafu with Google.  I needed to make the switch to Gmail, and I felt it necessary to transfer all the Blogger information to the new account.  In the process, it killed all the links in old posts and deleted all my followers, as well as the blogs I was following.  If you were a follower, please re-follow!  If you weren't a follower -- what, um, what are you waiting for?