Things that Suck 4: Oral Edition.

Paging Dr. Freud.

I guess it needs to be said that this particular entry does not deal with the sexual side of the word "oral," so I'll apologize for that in advance.

I need to work on these intros.  The last -- well I don't know -- the last three or four have started off with some sophomoric sexual reference.  I'm not sure if I want to apologize for that just yet, though.

So here we are again.  Happy fucking Monday, my dedicated few.

So now that I'm four entries deep into this whole Things that Suck, uh, thing, I'm trying to work on some sort of generic intro for subsequent posts.  There are really only so many ways one can talk about the idea of Monday, how it cripples your soul, consumes your will to live and then projectile-vomits it all over your hopes and dreams.

So why is this the oral edition?  I've already said it isn't about third base, nor will there be an audio recording of this week's list.  This list just happens to be all about your mouth.

There are many things you can do to/with your mouth that totally suck (still, not sex).  This list covers just three of those things.

So, let's get oral!

1.  Taking a bite of food and accidentally grinding your canines together.
Before I go any further.  Like, you know what your canines are, right?  Please say yes.  If I have to describe them as your 'vampire teeth,' I'll fucking lose it.  I'm so sick of vampires.  What ever happened to pirates and ninjas?  Zombies and robots?

Anyway.

So you're about to take a bite out of something delicious.  Just picture that.  You have something really, really delicious in your hands.  Something you've wanted all day.  You're ravenous.  Like, you're seriously about to annihilate this delicious food.  You chomp down and OHMYGODFUCKSHITSHITOWW!  That sound that just made your brain explode -- that was your two canines scraping together.  Like the fork scratching across a glass plate or the completely overused nails on a chalkboard reference.

Except, you know.  In your mouth.

For the next 30 to 45 seconds, your world comes to a complete halt, and you make damn sure the world of everyone around you stops too.  People watching you might think, based on your immediate response, that someone hit you in the mouth with a crowbar.  You try not to cry like you did when you watched The Notebook (wuss).  After the initial shock of your bones grinding together and making the sound of a 27-car pileup in your mouth, it's pretty much all you can fucking talk about the rest of the meal.  Your friends get it, man.  Fucking let it go already.

See also:  Biting your lip/tongue/cheek.  Ow, right?!

2.  Burning your tongue.
You're at Starbucks because for one reason or another, you have an extra two or three dollars to spend on a cup of coffee.  You think it tastes the same as most other coffee you've had, but you like the sleeve that keeps your hand from touching the hot cup because it says "Starbucks" on it.  Besides, you're just going to ruin it with four Sweet n' Lows and a quarter-cup of half-and-half.

After your purchase, there are only two things you like to do:

1.  Walk around with your cup of coffee, label facing out.
2.  Find someone to talk to immediately, and sip your beverage right before you say something you think is somewhat important.  Or, at the very least, sipping the coffee while you think other people are looking at you.

Wanting that cute girl on the subway to notice how trendy and hip you are, you briefly make eye contact with her before you take a swig of your newly-purchased status symbol.  In your haste to look awesome, you forget your coffee is fucking hot, and half of your nearly 1000 taste buds are nearly FUBAR'd in the process.

For a good two or three days after that, you bitch to your friends about how you can't taste or enjoy food because of "fucking Starbucks."  Like it was the coffee's fault.  Your coffee is approximately 180 to 200 degrees when they serve it to you.  You don't have to be a genius to know that's fucking hot.

3.  Choking on your own saliva.
This is sort of the oral equivalent to tripping on your own two feet.  I've talked about this before in a previous Things that Suck post.  You're talking to some people and you're on a roll.  You're making points left and right.  You're dropping one-liners and comebacks without missing a beat.  Then, in the midst of your excitement, something goes horribly awry.  You can't talk anymore.  In no time flat, your face is bright red, you're coughing like you have the Black Lung and tears are coming out of your eyes like like they did at the end of Titanic (wuss).  You look up to a choreographed choir of people pointing and laughing at you like they did that one time you peed yourself during a presentation in middle school.  Confidence shattered and train-of-thought derailed, all you can do now is stand back while the conversation takes an unfavorable turn to the topic of how ridiculous you looked during your saliva's assassination attempt.

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Monday, you're almost over, but we will feel your grasp until at least Wednesday; when Friday's light starts to shine through the smog you and your asshole friend Tuesday have created.

Hate Monday even more with Things that Suck parts one, two and three!

Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.

Thanks again to my dedicated few.  Tell your friends if you like what you see.  Or not.