That's why this Monday's list of Things that Suck is going to be done a little differently this time. Your normal list of three has been expanded into a list of 10 -- because a measly list of three wouldn't do the shitty parts of working in the service industry justice.
And then I thought, instead of just pointing these sucky things out, why not make them commandments? You know, change things up a bit for the special edition.
With that, I give you the Ten Commandments of Eating in a Restaurant.
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The Ten Commandments of Eating in a Restaurant
Thou Shalt Be Patient.
There's a really great chance that the first part of your dining experience will involve waiting for a table. This time is crucial for both the restaurant staff and patrons alike. This is where they get to size you up. If you start shit in the lobby, it could have a profound effect on the rest of your time at the restaurant.
Firstly, if it's one thing we're known for having in this beautiful country, it's an over-abundance of places where you can get food if you're in a hurry. That's sort of why they call it "fast food." Because, you know, it's fucking fast. If you go into a restaurant and bitch about a 15-minute wait and bitch about said wait because you're on your lunch break and you only have an hour, go to the fucking drive-thru. There are people in third-world countries who would wait hours for a fucking piece of bread. You can wait 15 minutes.
Patience isn't only needed while you wait for a table, either. Sometimes you might have to wait a little bit longer than expected for your food, too. While you might think your food is taking forever because you have a shitty server, this usually isn't the case. You might not believe this, but 99.9 percent of the time, you aren't the only fucking person in the restaurant whose food is being cooked. Like waiting in the lobby for a table, you have to wait your turn for your chicken fried steak with double fries and a side of fries, too.
Finally, it's time to pay your server. Say you're in a larger group, and you douchebags all have to pay separately. You can't expect your server to make change for eight 20 dollar bills in 30 seconds. It just isn't possible. Because you can't figure your shit out beforehand, you're going to have to fucking deal with getting back to work late. God knows if your change came back wrong, you'd stiff your server without thinking twice. Asshole.
Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Table.
Here's something else that might blow your mind. Believe it or not, the food tastes the same whether you're at a table in the front or one in the back. Your food will also taste the same if you're in a booth, in the bar area, a table in the center of the room or a table in the corner.
Unless you didn't follow commandment number one and you started shit in the lobby, your host/ess is taking you to a particular table to fulfill some kind of server rotation. You know, to keep things fair.
Don't wait for your host/ess to set menus down at a table before you're all, "Oooh! Kan I has teh booth over dere plz omg!" You can make these kinds of special requests up front, and up front only. Once you're name is called for a table, that means a table has been selected for you, you know, because it's your fucking turn to sit. So please -- fucking sit.
Thou Shalt Not Use Thy Cellphone.
This one's really self-explanatory. While the people in the restaurant may be there to wait on you, they aren't there to wait for you. Your server wants to get your order, you know? He can't do that with you on the phone talking about whatever it is you're taking about that's so fucking important you find it necessary to ignore everyone and everything around you. That's how people in the city get hit by buses.
Put the phone down, or shove it up your ass. Either way, get it the hell away from your face.
Thou Shalt Refer To Thy Server By Thy Server's Name.
Once your server has told you their name, that will be the name you refer to your server as for the rest of your dining experience. I know servers, and I'm pretty sure none of them go by the nicknames "psssst", "hey you", or "hellloooooo". I also don't know too many people who answer to a snap of the fingers or a whistle.
Chances are, instead of getting whatever it is you wanted or needed. All you'll get is ignored.
Thou Shalt Keep Entree Modifications To A Minimum.
If there is an item of the menu that you would like to order, use as little "extra this...", "hold that...", "light on...", "none of this, but more of this..." as possible. If you have to make more than two alterations to one menu item, you might want to consider trying something else. Everything is prepared by a recipe. If you ever cooked at home, you'd fucking know that. If you alter a dish too much, it's not going to be the same as it would be if you ordered it the way it was supposed to be. So if it tastes bad, it's probably because you screwed it up with your ingredient-shuffling bullshit.
Also, if it's not on the menu, they don't have it. If they had it before and they don't have it now, they can't and won't make it for you. If you said "they did it the last time", you're probably lying.
Thou Shalt Take Responsibility For Thy Spawn.
If you are part of a party containing children, and you are the one informing the host/ess of your party size, remember that the children in your party are people too. Count them. They need a place to plant their asses like the rest of you.
Also, be prepared to adjust the tip according to the confetti of Cheerios, french fries and crayons left on the floor from your little ones that your server will eventually have to clean up. Would you leave that kind of a mess at a friend's house? I didn't think so.
Furthermore, if you aren't at Chuck E. Cheese's, then don't let your bastard children run amok in the restaurant. You're the authority, figure out how to keep them under control. It's called parenting; you should give it a try.
Thou Shalt Pace Thyself.
You know, just because the drinks and bread are refillable, it doesn't mean you have to eat and drink as fast as you can so you can immediately get more. The soda and bread will not disappear. Slow down, your server doesn't want to have to deal with you and the tennis ball-sized gob of bread you got stuck in your throat. Unless you're an asshole -- then you can choke.
Thou Shalt Not Camp.
If you've broken the first commandment on this list, then clearly you have a problem with patience. But listen. Do you know why you have to wait for that table? Because some other motherfuckers refuse to leave.
These people will get their check and then continue to sit there until the skin of their asses take root in their chairs. This does nothing but prevent other people from sitting down. So while they are pitching their tent, making s'mores and singing Kumbaya, no one else can be seated, and the server is making no money from that table.
Most restaurants have a restriction on the number of tables they allow their servers to have. If you're at a restaurant that has three-table sections, you could -- in theory -- be knocking out one-third of your server's overall tips for that shift.
If you decide to camp, you'd fucking better tip accordingly. That's all I'm saying.
Thou Shalt Not Close The Restaurant.
"What time do you close tonight?"
"In about 10 minutes."
"Oh. Good. So we still have time, then."
Bastard.
You may have a hard time believing this, but the lives of the people who work in a restaurant don't revolve around work. These people have wives and husbands and kids and pets -- just like you. Before you go into a restaurant and it's late, you better be aware of what time they close. There are all types of people who can totally fuck your day up if you work in a restaurant, but the absolute worst kind is the one that keeps you there after the place should be closed.
And even if you aren't sure exactly what time the place closes -- fucking look around. If you're the only people in the entire dining room, that should spark some sort of question as to what time that particular establishment locks their doors.
Thou Shalt Tip Properly.
Self. Fucking. Explanatory.
You might hear stories about servers in different states making more than minimum wage along with getting tipped. These things are adjusted for cost of living. This does not -- I repeat -- this does not excuse you from leaving less than 20 percent.
Did you know in most restaurants, the servers tip out a percentage of their earnings to bussers, hosts, bartenders and food-runners? When you tip, you aren't just tipping the servers. They don't make every cent you give them.
I understand the economy sucks. You've had to make some financial cutbacks. Well you know what? The economy doesn't just suck for you. It sucks for your server, too. It sucks for the hosts and the cooks and the bussers. All I'm saying is -- if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out to eat.
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Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem. Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.
Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.
Think Monday sucks as much as I do? Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck. If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post. Seriously! What an honor it would be for you!
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agreed.
ReplyDeletehahahaha.
ReplyDeleteagreed. serving in the service industry is like doing time...maybe worse. lol