Black Friday.

As I write this entry with a gut full of turkey and pie, consumer whores are lined up at stores across the nation in an attempt to score fucking amazing deals on laptops, flat-screen TVs, clothing and digital cameras.

Some people skipped the bird and yams all together, trading deliciousness for waiting in line with people who want the same shit they do, and who will stop at nothing to get it before anyone else does -- even if it means resorting to physical violence; including but not limited to throwing fists, kicking, tripping, pushing, shoving, stabbing, bone-breaking, cutting jugular veins, or ripping the beating hearts out of anyone who gets in their way.

Last year, someone fucking died because a bunch of assholes took the term "doorbusters" to an unsettling new level.

I've done the Black Friday thing.  I waited in the lines.  I fought through the mouth-breathers to get my hands on the golden ticket items.  I've been pushed and shoved and stepped on and knocked around trying to get through a fucking Circuit City (yes, kids -- we still had Circuit Citys when I was your age).

And we had to walk 15 miles to get there  Uphill.  Both ways.  In the snow.  With no shoes.

You know what I got?  Disappointment.

I found out rather quickly that if you aren't in line three days ago, you aren't getting shit.

I also realized that there isn't a deal in the world that would get me out of bed at 2:00 in the morning after a day of eating obscene amounts of food.  If you choose to brave the cold and fellow rabid consumer, that's your prerogative.

I wouldn't wait in line if Best Buy was giving out free head to its first 100 customers.

I'll be waking up at noon, fixing myself a turkey sandwich and watching the post-apocalyptic Black Friday footage on CNN.

Enjoy your 432 asshole pileup.