THE INTERNET, World -- In an incredible, nearly apocalyptic turn of events, Twitter-bashing blog Content Unrelated and social networking giant Twitter agreed Thursday to not be total douches to each other.
Jeff, Content Unrelated's Bullshitter-in-Chief, held back from joining the inexplicably popular site as long as he could, but he said in a statement released Wednesday that this was a necessary step in a continuing effort to force his "nonsensical bullshit" onto the rest of the world.
"I've taken a lot of jabs at those twats over there," Jeff said. "Unfortunately, people are so fucking brainwashed by this stupid little blue bird that I had no choice but to join the zombified masses."
Jeff created Content Unrelated in June. "I gave it that name because I really had no goddamn idea what I was going to write about." While a clear-cut theme has yet to be determined, the mission is clear. "[It] exists for the purpose of making you laugh with the use of sexual innuendo and four-letter words -- among other things."
"I sold my soul for shameless 140-character self-promotion. I'm a dirty, dirty whore," he said.
Twitter was founded at some point in recent history. No one knows why.
While the "deets" of the treaty are still unknown, leading scientists in the field of Internet narcissism have agreed this could very well be the beginning of the end.
"We aren't really sure how the fuck to deal with this right now," said Dr. Jim Klausser. He's a scientist of some kind. You know -- one of the ones mentioned in the last paragraph. "We keep waiting for people to start disappearing and fire to rain from the sky or something."
President Barack Obama urged American citizens to not panic, but to be prepared at a moment's notice should the Earth begin to split in half.
"There's a chance the Moon could implode," Obama said.
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Sorry guys. It's the only way to survive the Internet.
Follow me and all of Content Unrelated's shenanigans. @jeff_unrelated
You are silly. Me likey!
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