Happy Thanksgiving from Sloth and Gluttony!

You're familiar with the seven deadly sins, yes?

Have you at least seen the movie?  You know -- the one with Morgan Freeman, Brad Pitt and Gwyneth Paltrow's severed head.

It's like Dick in a Box.  But instead of dick, it's Gwyneth Paltrow's head.

I would've called "spoiler alert," but that flick came out almost 15 fucking years ago.

Also; Richard Hatch won the first season of Survivor, Kristen Shepard shot J.R., a bus killed George O'Malley and the Yankees won the Series.

Are we all up to speed now?  Great.  Now, let us gather 'round the table, because it's Thanksgiving and goddammit we're going to sit here like a family for once and fucking enjoy it.

Thanksgiving -- the only day where gluttony and sloth, two of the seven deadly sins, get the day off.  The day where you eat until you hate yourself, and then promptly head to the couch with loosened belt to sleep off your tryptophan-induced coma.

The other five sins, on the other hand -- envy, lust, greed, pride and wrath -- those bitches never get a day off.

The following conversation took place before Sloth and Gluttony (capitalized because they're personified in this scenario) left for a day of, well, whatever the fuck it is sins do on their day off.

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Wrath:  Every fucking year with this bullshit.  You assholes get the day off to go gallivanting around while we're stuck here with our thumbs up our asses.

Envy:  Yeah, man.  I really wish I could be in you guys'  shoes right now.  It's cool you get the day off.  I never get a day off.

Gluttony:  We'll seriously be back in 24 hours.  Has anyone seen my sandwich?

Greed.  I have your sandwich right here, you fat fuck.  In fact, I have all the sandwiches.  You can have them back -- for a price.

Pride:  Arguing about this shit is totally below me.  You know I'm awesome at everything, and that inclides being awesome at not giving a shit about you bastards.

Lust:  Did someone say "blow me"?

Wrath:  Shut up, whore.

Gluttony:  Okay, Greed -- I'll take two sandwiches.  Well, wait, it's a long trip.  Better make it 12.

Greed:  That'll be $475.32

Gluttony:  Seriously?  For 12 sandwiches?  You're a real bastard, Greed.  Where the hell is Sloth?

Lust:  I'll go get him up.  Wake him up, I mean.

Sloth:  Oh shit, Gluttony -- I slept through my alarm like, six times.  Thanks for the handy, Lust.

Gluttony:  S'aight, man.  You ready to go?  I wanna stop at Mickey D's on the way.

Sloth:  Yeah dude, go ahead and get the car started.  I'll be out there in a few hours. 

Wrath:  Have a good time on your retreat, jackoffs.  I hope you both die. 

Lust:  Call me if you guys want company.  And by "company," I mean rough sex.

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Gluttony and Sloth are coming to hang out with you and your family this Thanksgiving, so honor them by getting your eat and sleep on.  Watch some football or something.  Just be lazy bastards.  That's all I ask.

Happy Thanksgiving.