Welcome to the third installment of Is it Manly? I know you gentlemen come to Content Unrelated for the real deal on what is and isn't manly. You trust me; and while I wonder why the fuck you'd make that mistake, I still appreciate it nonetheless.
New to the series?
Is it Manly? will feature one product or service in each post. Based on research conducted by me and fueled by my opinions alone; reasons, examples and evidence (mostly bullshit I make up on the spot) will be provided as to why society might deem these products as less than manly.
After an intense investigation (again, mostly bullshit), a ruling of whether or not said product or service should be considered manly will be made.
All decisions are final. No refunds, exchanges or returns.
So, what are we dealing with here?
First of all, there's really no manly way to say "underwear," so you guys are just going to have to deal with that shit right now, because that's what the fuck we're talking about. Underwear. More specifically, we're dealing with the nut-crushing, junk-contorting tighty-whities.What are tighty-whities?
Tighty-whities -- or testiculus compactus -- are, for reasons science has yet to explain, a type of underwear in which some men choose to walk around. I'm not sure me explaining how they got their name is entirely necessary, but I've yet to get a decent hold on the Content Unrelated demographic -- so I'm not completely convinced we're mentally on the same page, much less reading out of the same fucking book.So let me break it down for you. There are two reasons why tighty-whities were given that particular name.
1. They're fucking tight.
2. They're fucking white.
Why they're okay:
It takes a real confident man to wear nut-huggers all day. Based on scientific research conducted at the Content Unrelated labs, I can say with almost complete certainty that chicks dig confidence.And money.
And abs. But that's beside the point.
If a man is confident enough, he can feel unstoppable, or dare I say "invincible." Like when a guy wears a suit. Suits are form-fitting, and are cut to accentuate your features. Suits make you feel like you can fucking do anything. Well, maybe to the tighty-whitie-wearer, they're like a suit, but, you know -- for your meat and potatoes.
Why they aren't:
Firstly, I ask you: Would you have a better chance of going all the way with a woman who sees you in heart boxers or shit-stained Hanes?You seriously might as well be wearing a damn Speedo. You know who gets laughed at on the beach or at the pool? Guys in fucking Speedos. The only man who can don a Speedo and get away with it is Michael Phelps, but that's because he's half man, half T-1000. Remember how badass the T-1000 was?
When you're half man, half T-1000, feel free to wear whatever the fuck you want.
Also, don't you -- as a man -- want to continue your legacy? How can you expect to make a mini, pants-shitting, snot-nosed, pain in the ass version of yourself for the world to enjoy when your tighty-whities are wreaking havoc on your man-juice? This isn't bullshit science I made up for the sake of the post, either. That's real fucking science right there.
Similar, more manly options:
If you're too much of a sissy and can't handle the freedom granted by boxers or going commando, at least ditch your Power Ranger Fruit of the Looms for some boxer-briefs. You seriously get the best of both worlds with those things.
Also, chicks won't fucking laugh at you.
So, are they manly?
No. God no. I mean, if "manly" means literally burning your nut-soldiers alive by smothering their home base with cotton, then sure. Otherwise -- hell no. Not as long as the more-manly boxer-briefs are on the market, at least.
How could they be manlier?
If the elastic band was made of barbed wire. Or, if the only way you were able to take them off was to set them on fire and wait for 'em to fall off on their own.
Also:
1. If they weren't so fucking tight.
2. If they weren't so fucking white.
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Also:
I parodied this here. Enjoy.
ReplyDeleteThe Ranter