Is it Manly? #4: Cuddling.

With a gloriously hilarious contribution by Trisha Evens.

You might ask, "Why would there be a woman contributing to a series about manliness?"

Because despite what society before the 1920s taught you, women have important things to say, too.  How can we, as men, get a full grasp on how people (especially women) view something if we don't get the thoughts from the woman herself?  So stop being a fucking chauvinist.

Besides, as previously mentioned, Trisha will make you fucking laugh.  And isn't that why we're here in the first place?

Alright, gents.

Welcome to the fourth installment of Is it Manly?  I know you gentlemen come to Content Unrelated for the real deal on what is and isn't manly.  You trust me; and while I wonder why the fuck you'd make that mistake, I still appreciate it nonetheless.

New to the series? 

Is it Manly? will feature one product or service in each post.  Based on research conducted by me and fueled by my opinions alone; reasons, examples and evidence (mostly bullshit I make up on the spot) will be provided as to why society might deem these products as less than manly.

After an intense investigation (again, mostly bullshit), a ruling of whether or not said product or service should be considered manly will be made.

All decisions are final.  No refunds, exchanges or returns. 

So, what are we dealing with here?

Let's talk baseball.  In terms of said all-American game in relation to the levels one reaches before sex (home plate), it'd be sort of like if there were a shortstop between home plate and first.  I'm talking, of course, about cuddling. 

What is cuddling?

Cuddling is something guys do to get closer to the girl they'd eventually like to run the bases with (we're still talking about baseball).  Other studies conducted at Content Unrelated labs indicate that guys also cuddle after the deed in order to maintain the appearance that they aren't just interested in the sex part of the relationship.  I don't know if you know this, but it's pretty typical for a man to pass out almost immediately after making the sex, probably because he's tired from making all the money and mowing the lawn or completely and utterly satisfying his woman or whatever.

Women also want guys to cuddle with them so they can use that opportunity to "talk" or "bond" -- whatever any of that even means. 

Why it's okay:

Women like to cuddle because they get scared during movies with Jason Vorhees.  Guys, this is when cuddling is good.  When your ladyfriend trembles in your arms as that crazy bitch from The Ring comes out of the well, doesn't it make you feel manlier?  Like if that psycho-whore actually came out of your fucking TV, you'd be there to protect what's yours.  I, personally, would run in whatever direction was opposite of said well-bitch -- but you get what I'm saying.

Also, as men, it's sort of in our nature to provide.  We open the pickle jars and change the flat tires and win the bread; and all we ask in return is a cold beer on a Sunday with no distractions.  One of our means of providing comes in the form of keeping our female counterparts warm when it gets cold.  Mostly because we love our air-conditioning, and we're not about to fucking turn it up.  So instead, we'll use cuddling as a means to keep you warm, and, in the process, keeping you from whining about the air.  Wear a sweater.  God.  You're always cold.

Just don't expect us to "talk" or "bond" while you're getting nice and toasty. 

Why it isn't:

Say the word out loud.  Do it.  Here, I'll say it with you:  "Cuddle."  There is nothing at all manly about that word.  Like "bunny" or "kitty" or "cute," these are words that contain no trace of masculinity.  As the guys over at the MJ Morning Show have pointed out multiple times, it's like going to the grocery store and asking where the fucking Juicy-Juice is.  Say that one out loud and tell me if you feel like a man.  Go ahead.  I can wait.

Next time you and your buddies are trading stories over beers, stogies and cards -- make sure you tell them about the one where you cuddled with your girl for three hours last weekend.  Might as well throw in words like "magical" and "super awesome" to really put the fucking icing on the totally not-manly cake. 

Similar, more manly options:

Be the big spoon, guy.  It's different than cuddling in that you're probably in a bed during the spooning process.  The thing about spooning is, the contact between the big spoon and the little spoon is different than the contact you'd experience during cuddling.  Cuddling usually consists of your arm around her, and her head on your shoulder or chest or something.  This gets you nothing but an increased body temperature with no escape.

Spooning, on the other hand, allows for more things to develop due to the way the two bodies come into contact.  If there have already been "developments" in that area (by "developments" I mean sex, and by "area" I mean the parts of the body that make sex happen), then you can take control.  Being the big spoon allows you to set the tone for the rest of the night.  Chicks get pissed at dudes who fall asleep right after the deed, but if you're the big spoon, you could -- in theory -- totally get away with passing the fuck out, because you're still giving the impression that you give a shit enough to keep her comfortable. by "holding her," or whatever. 

What the women are saying -- by Trisha Evens 

Let me preface my thoughts by saying that unlike most of my gender, I hated The Notebook.  I think pink is a silly color and babies can wait. 

I was once told by a guy friend that he was unable to return my text message because he was "getting his cuddle on."  Not only did his comment bastardize the holy phrase "getting it on" and make me throw up in my mouth, it also made me realize how incredibly un-manly he is.  Despite his exceptional ability to grow a beard, the last time we spoke he was still jobless, carless, living at home, and not attending college, yet somehow he always managed to have weed.  Cuddling is the most play he could expect to get from a woman without having to pay for it.  Though Butters would say that you're paying for it either way by either paying outright for services rendered, or having to listen to "all her motherfucking problems," the fact remains that if he were more manly he could be doing more than just cuddling.  He could have been hanging out with me, and hanging out with me is definitely better than the sex he was not having.    

So, is it manly?
Sorry, cuddling -- you aren't manly.  Spooning is just way fucking cooler.  Think about it.  How many couples have said they spooned whist watching Titanic or The Notebook?  None.  Blatant chick movies like that are watched during cuddles, and cuddles alone.  Have fun with that hug goodnight when the movie's over. 

How could it be manlier?
I talk about fire and grizzly bears a lot in this section of the post, but seriously, light a grizzly bear on fire and try to cuddle with it.  If you can pull it off without being turned into fucking mulch -- then you, sir, are one manly motherfucker, and you can feel free to cuddle all you want without judgment from us mortals.

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Get manlier with other installments of the Is it Manly? series.

#3:  Tighty-whities

#2:  Fruity Beers

#1:  Elliptical Machines

Now, go forth and be men.  Talk with the guys at the water cooler about the hot new secretary and lift something heavy.

Also, let Powerthirst turn you into a man-chine:

Issues or problems with this or anything else on Content Unrelated?  Read the Disclaimer.

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