Things that Suck - Top Ten Edition

It's a big week for Content Unrelated.  Tens are everywhere!

Okay, maybe in two instances.

First -- I dropped a cool Hamilton (that's a 10 dollar bill, geniuses) to own contentunrelated.com.  That's right, bitches!  Movin' up in the world.  But why the dot com?  The first address was easy enough, right?  Well, maybe to you, but have you seen the rest of the Internet?  At least, I mean, the people.  My God, the people.  And most of them can procreate.

The guy who posts "first" in the comments for some shitty YouTube vid.  He can make babies.  So can the fuckstick who bitches everytime someone posts "first."  Like he wasn't expecting someone to fucking do it.  He's just as bad in my book.  He can also make babies.

Stupid douchebag flaming-comment-posting pukemachine babies.

Also!

This is the tenth week for Things that Suck!  That's right, bitches (again with the bitches?)!  For 10 weeks, Content Unrelated pleasured your eyes with discussion of life's shitty nuances.  Are there things that suck worse than walking through a spider web or stubbing your toe on a cold day?  Probably.  But you aren't here to worry about real, ongoing problems this generally fucked up world has to offer.  I can only assume you're here to forget about said real-world problems.

Since this is the tenth week, I'd like to take this time to revisit some of the best that Things that Suck has to offer.  A top 10 list based on feedback I've been given throughout the last 10 weeks from some of you fucking amazing people who continue to give me a reason to write. 

It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams.  In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will (assuming I don't run out of ideas) provide a list of three things that totally suck each week.

This week's post is brought to you by this pissed as hell number 10.  Seven may have eaten Nine, but Ten will ruin your fucking life.

1.  Getting out of the shower when it's insufferably cold in your house. 
You wake up Monday morning and you realize two things:  1.)  It's Monday, so that means a new Things that Suck post is up on Content Unrelated (OMGLOL), and 2.)  Your crippling porn habit kept you from the news, which warned of a bitter cold front that would pass through late Sunday night.

Now it's 68 degrees in your apartment, and the only thing you can think about is a hot shower.

A hot shower during cold weather is about the only time you'll spend 20 minutes in there actually showering --  as opposed to all the other times you take 20 minute showers (remember -- in this scenario, you have a crippling porn addiction).

You don't want to get out, but you have to.  Inevitably, your hot water will run out and you'll be worse off than you were before you got in.

The steam from the shower helps keep the bathroom warm, but it isn't the same as the actual water.  Once you shut it off, there's no turning back.  You towel off as best you can, but you can't escape Mother Nature's nipple-hardening, dick-shriveling fury.  During your five minutes of frantic toweling, you wonder if this is how it's all going to end.  What if your friends found you like that?  All contorted and blue and dick-shriveled.  Your demise would make them sad, but the ever-popular formula Tragedy +Time = Comedy would soon come into full-effect, when every time your name came up in conversation, they'd make fun of your tiny, shrunken penis. 

2.  Waking up 30 minutes before your alarm goes off.

To some people, this might be a good thing.  They get an extra half-hour to prepare for the kick in the face the beginning of the week will most assuredly provide.  There can only be one clear explanation for those who enjoy waking up before they're supposed to -- they're insane.

Let me tell you how it goes down for the rest of us normal folk.

Say you've got to be awake at 7:00 so you can make it to work by 8:00, because God knows if you're late one more time your boss will have a fucking stroke; but not before removing the spine from your body in a fit of rage because not five minutes before this, that stupid intern brought him decaf instead of regular.  He always brings decaf.  Why can't he fucking get it right?  I heard he jammed the copier yesterday, too.

So instead of getting up after the third or fourth time you've hit the snooze button, you find yourself awake at 6:30.  There are many different thoughts going through your head about what you should do at this point, but all of them involve you going back to sleep so you can take advantage of an extra half hour.

We all know what happens next.

You overshoot your normal wake-up time by roughly 47 minutes.  You wake up with just enough time to say "fuck" six times, grab a half-eaten slice of pizza from the fridge, put on the same thing you wore yesterday and say "fuck" three more times.

Hey, on the way to your last day of work, you might want to consider where you want to work next and stop there to pick up an application.  You're going to be late anyway, what's 10 more minutes? 

3.  Tripping over nothing but your own two feet. 

It's inevitable.  It could happen on a crowded sidewalk. It could happen at the office.  Regardless of where it happens, though -- everyone and their mother just fucking saw you do it.  See also:  Tripping up the stairs. 

4.  Taking a bite of food and accidentally grinding your canines together.
Before I go any further.  Like, you know what your canines are, right?  Please say yes.  If I have to describe them as your 'vampire teeth,' I'll fucking lose it.  I'm so sick of vampires.  What ever happened to pirates and ninjas?  Zombies and robots?

Anyway.

So you're about to take a bite out of something delicious.  Just picture that.  You have something really, really delicious in your hands.  Something you've wanted all day.  You're ravenous.  Like, you're seriously about to annihilate this delicious food.  You chomp down and OHMYGODFUCKSHITSHITOWW!  That sound that just made your brain explode -- that was your two canines scraping together.  Like the fork scratching across a glass plate or the completely overused nails on a chalkboard reference.

Except, you know.  In your mouth.

For the next 30 to 45 seconds, your world comes to a complete halt, and you make damn sure the world of everyone around you stops too.  People watching you might think, based on your immediate response, that someone hit you in the mouth with a crowbar.  You try not to cry like you did when you watched The Notebook (wuss).  After the initial shock of your bones grinding together and making the sound of a 27-car pileup in your mouth, it's pretty much all you can fucking talk about the rest of the meal.  Your friends get it, man.  Fucking let it go already.

See also:  Biting your lip/tongue/cheek.  Ow, right?!

5.  Waking up from a nap and not knowing what day it is.
So you get off work.  First day you've gotten off early in probably 12 years.  You need a fucking nap.  The lights are off, the curtains are closed -- suddenly it's just you and your futon.

Next thing you know, it's dark outside.  The clock says it's 6:30, but that can't be right.  Did you sleep all night?  Damn.  Guess you have to get up and grab a shower.  After all, you work at 8 a.m.

So you go through your morning routine.  You take last Wednesday's shirt, Fabreze it and throw it in the dryer, dig through the laundry pile to find the pair of socks that can't stand up on their own and put on the pair of pants that smells the least like shit.  After a couple of cold pizza slices for breakfast, you're about to head out the door.  But wait, there's something wrong. 

Is it getting darker?  What the fuck is going on?  How is this possible?  Is it the apocalypse?  Did I sleep 'til 2012? 

That's when you finally decide to turn on the news (in this scenario, you may or may not still have a crippling porn addiction).  It's then when you realize what just happened, and you feel really, really stupid.

Like, really stupid.  Seriously.  Jackass. 

6.  Dropping shit in the toilet (that isn't your actual shit). 

It happens often.  More often than people probably like to admit.  It also usually happens after you've already done whatever it is you needed to do, so whatever it is you've dropped in the throne is now soaking in your own filth.  Cell phones, blackberries, those douchy sunglasses you got that are the size of your fucking face -- people drop these things in the John all the time.

This guy dropped a whole fucking person.

So what do you do now?  In most situations, you have no choice but to fish it out with your bare hands.  You have to reach into a bowl of water containing your own brown and yellow (or someone else's brown and yellow, depending on a number of circumstances; is it a port-o-potty?  did the guy before you forget to flush?), make the best attempt you can to clean the item off, and then -- assuming it's a pair of sunglasses -- try to forget that five minutes ago, the thing you're putting on your face was covered in shit. 

7.  Stubbing your toe on a cold day. 

It's usually when you first wake up, when you have a better chance of not seeing that bowling ball, vacuum cleaner, or the coffee table that's been in the same spot for at least the last two fucking years.  Either way, you're tired, and it's cold in your cave of an apartment because your heater's broken and your landlord's an asshole.  One minute you're minding your own business making your way to the bathroom, the next minute, you're experiencing what you think -- in that particular instance -- is the most painful feeling you've ever had to endure.  You know the little trooper is shattered into a million pieces, or you assume the nail is totally gone.  You're on the floor for a good 10 minutes crying for your mother or praying for a swift death or something.

They say breaking your femur or giving birth to a child is the most pain any human could ever experience.  I say it's stubbing your shoeless toe in the dead of winter. 

8.  It's Sunday, and you want Chick-fil-A.

I've written before about Chick-fil-A, and how I have an appreciation for them giving a shit about their employees, sticking to their principles and closing on Sundays.  When you're used to Chick-fil-A, though, there really isn't much else to fill the void then they aren't there for you.  So when you've passed the wanting-to-vomit-uncontrollably stage of your hangover and the only thing you can think about is a value-sized number five 12-count, you're screwed, sir or ma'am.  Screwed.  What the fuck are you going to do now?  Nothing.  Because there's nothing you can do.  Just find the darkest corner of your house to cry in, and try not to off yourself before Monday comes.

In fact, that might be one of the only good things about Mondays.  Getting a Chick-fil-A fix after it being closed the day before.  BOOM.  Silver lining, guys. 

9.  Some douche whom you've never met mooching your beer at a BYOB.
(Thanks to Trisha for this idea.) 

Usually when a friend makes plans to have a really awesome party at his/her house, they make very clear the alcohol situation.  There either will be alcohol, or there will not be alcohol.  If the latter is the case, these parties usually require attendees to bring their own shit, should they desire to get pants-shitting drunk.

There's always that one guy.  That one motherfucker.  First you see him with a Corona.  Next time you cross paths, he's drinking a Coor's Light.  And then you see it.  Right there.  In his hand.  That shithead is drinking Yuengling.  Your Yuengling!  This little prick didn't hit the store up like everyone else did before the party, and now he's skimming beers from the multitude of open boxes in the fridge -- trying to be all inconspicuous 'n shit.  But you're on to him.  You know what's up.  He isn't fucking fooling anyone.

The rest of the party knows, too.  But you party with a bunch of bitches who are too afraid of confrontation to say anything, so now it's up to you to save the beer for people who actually brought beer.

Clearly the only option here is to break the bottle over his head and threaten to cut him with the shards of glass still left in your hand until he fucking leaves.

Yeah, that'll show him.  Plus, you with a broken bottle and a look on your face that would make cute, furry animals cry would make for a fantastic Facebook pic. 

10.  Getting busted with/watching porn. 
First of all, you fucking deserved it for not hiding it better.  Asshat.

Imagine you come home and you walk in on your roomie double-clicking her mouse or pumping his soap dispenser (fucking gross).  If you had any respect for yourself, you would immediately and relentlessly give that person shit until the day their filthy, porn-watching soul leaves this Earth and goes straight to Hell (depending on who you talk to).

Backdoor Broads 37 just doesn't sound as appealing with eternal fucking damnation attached to it.

While catching a guy or a gal in the self-act is equally embarrassing for them and equally hilarious for you, society views chicks watching porn and dudes watching porn in totally different lights.  The scientists over at Cracked.com have discussed this in full.

Look.  I don't condone pornography.  The dialogue is damn near awful.  I'm just saying, if you get caught, you will hear about it for the rest of your fucking existence.  And if you're the one doing the catching, make sure they hear about it for the rest of their fucking existence.  That's what friends are for. 

--- 

Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem.  Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us. 

Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.
Nine.  Eight/Seven.  Six.  Five.  Four.  Three.  Two.  One.   

Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.  Seriously!  What an honor it would be for you! 

I know how much you love it here.  Don't be a greedy bastard.  Tell your friends!  Share the shit out of it!  All your options are on the right sidebar.  Use them!

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