Things that Suck #11: "If you like pina coladas" edition.

While listening to the radio the other day during a rather long drive through Florida's guts, a pretty popular song had come on.  As the song played through my speakers, its singer singing lyrics of things that are just the opposite of suck -- I started to think about just how wrong this singer was, and that these things, in fact, all completely sucked.

If you haven't figured out what song/singer I'm talking about here, go back to your coloring books and puzzles of cartoon farm animals.

Oh, for fuckssakes, it's "Escape" by Rupert Holmes.  Crimony.

If you aren't familiar with the song at all, go ahead and take your coloring books and puzzles back to the rock you've been living under.

I'm writing this particular post from the eyes of those who would read the very same personal add from the song, and how all of these things are actually things you wouldn't want in a significant other because of how much the aforementioned things suck.

It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams.  In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will (assuming I don't run out of ideas) provide a list of three things that totally suck each week.

Alright, D.J.  Drop me a fucking beat.  Lets do this.

1.  Pina Coladas
Let me preface this particular item by letting you know that I am fully aware how much many people out there enjoy pina coladas.  But let's look at this through the eyes of a woman who has this as something she looks for in a man listed in a personal ad.

So, ma'am, what you're telling me is that you enjoy a man who enjoys fruity drinks?  You might as well add "if you like waxing your eyebrows" and "if you're not into women" to your list.

Ladies, tell me the first guy who catches your eye at a bar or club is the guy with the umbrella in his drink and I'll call you a fucking liar.

Guys, girls who only like those fruity frozen drinks are high maintenance.  Find yourself a woman who you can crack open a cold one with after a long day.  You don't want to come home from winning the bread and have to break out the blender because the misses wants a damn daiquiri.

If she wants the fruity beer, she can fucking have it.  After all, fruity beers aren't manly.

2.  Getting caught in the rain.

Do a quick survey of everyone in the room right now.  Ask them if they actually enjoy getting caught in the rain.

Who the fuck likes getting caught in the rain?!  That's just nonsense.

Stand by the doors of any building you're in when it starts pouring-ass rain outside.  Take note of everyone in the parking lot.  You should start to notice everyone fucking running.  Some to their cars, others towards the building.  Keep looking around and try to find the one jackass standing in the middle of the parking lot, arms spread wide, spinning around yelling shit like, "Oh, my God how I love getting caught in the rain!"

Find that person, and wait for the people in the white coats to come and take them away.

People run to and from their cars for one purpose, and one purpose only:  To get out of the fucking rain.

3.  Yoga

Eh.  Yoga gets a free pass, here.  It can help you fart.

4.  Having half a brain.

I don't know about any of you, but I very much enjoy the company of a woman who has both halves of her brain intact.  In fact, anyone with two halves who tries to date someone with one half of a brain is just a fucking douche for taking advantage of the mentally inferior.

Having half a brain yourself would totally suck, as well.  Think about it.  What if the only half you had was the left half?  You'd spend your days over-analyzing everything and being so annoyingly obsessive compulsive, you wouldn't have any fucking friends because they'd be tired of your shit.

If you only had the right half you'd be too goddamn touchy-feely sensitive, self-aware and indie to tolerate.

5.  Making love at midnight in the sand.

I know how the song goes.  Holmes mentions the dunes of the Cape.  I'm saying sand, because that's what the fuck it is.

Sex on the beach is so appealing, isn't it?  Sort of risky.  Different.  Exciting.  Until sand gets in your no-no parts, right ladies?  Could you even imagine?  Having some amazing sex by the beach when the sand assumes everyone's invited to the party and just lets itself in?  It'd be horrible.  Literally like fucking sandpaper (in the "having sex" sense, not the "just say 'fuck' for effect" sense).

I can't really describe the reality of just how horrifying sex on the beach can be better than Ian Fortey, who wrote the article 9 Awesome Places to Have Sex (And the Horrific Consequences). 

6.  This fucking song.

I'm just so sick of it. 

--

Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem.  Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us. 

Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.

Ten.  Nine.  Eight/Seven.  Six.  Five.  Four.  Three.  Two.  One. 

Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.  Seriously!  What an honor it would be for you!

I know how much you love it here.  Don't be a greedy bastard.  Tell your friends!  Share the shit out of it!  All your options are on the right sidebar.  Use them!

Issues or problems with this or anything else on Content Unrelated?  Read the Disclaimer.

Follow:
Facebook
Twitter