You didn't miss a damn thing. Because there wasn't one.
I could make excuses all day, but what it really comes down to is the undeniable fact that I am a lazy bastard. This is something you might as well get used to now.
As promised on the Fan Page, this week's Things that Suck is a double issue. That's right. Instead of three, you're getting -- oh, what's three doubled? I'm a communications major, we don't do math.
You're getting that many.
It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams. In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will (assuming I don't run out of ideas) provide a list of three things that totally suck each week.
This week's post is brought to you by this guy.
1. Getting out of the shower when it's insufferably cold in your house.
You wake up Monday morning and you realize two things: 1.) It's Monday, so that means a new Things that Suck post is up on Content Unrelated (OMGLOL), and 2.) Your crippling porn habit kept you from the news, which warned of a bitter cold front that would pass through late Sunday night.
Now it's 68 degrees in your apartment, and the only thing you can think about is a hot shower.
A hot shower during cold weather is about the only time you'll spend 20 minutes in there actually showering -- as opposed to all the other times you take 20 minute showers (remember -- in this scenario, you have a crippling porn addiction).
You don't want to get out, but you have to. Inevitably, your hot water will run out and you'll be worse off than you were before you got in.
The steam from the shower helps keep the bathroom warm, but it isn't the same as the actual water. Once you shut it off, there's no turning back. You towel off as best you can, but you can't escape Mother Nature's nipple-hardening, dick-shriveling fury. During your five minutes of frantic toweling, you wonder if this is how it's all going to end. What if your friends found you like that? All contorted and blue and dick-shriveled. Your demise would make them sad, but the ever-popular formula Tragedy +Time = Comedy would soon come into full-effect, when every time your name came up in conversation, they'd make fun of your tiny, shrunken penis.
2. Not realizing you have papercuts until after you've used the hand-sanitizer.
So there's this pretty awful bug going around. Something to do with pigs. I don't know. They seem pretty harmless to me.
Because of the microscopic flying pigs, people are utilizing hand-sanitizers now more than ever.
Enter the ninja of the injury world: The papercut.
These fuckers are elusive! If you don't realize you've gotten one when it actually happens, the only way to find out is through about 10 seconds of blinding pain and agony when you're committing swine flu genocide on your hands with Purell.
It's like the burn of herpes, but, you know -- on your fucking hands.
3. Finding cockroaches...
...Fucking anywhere. Your living room, peering at you from the corner. Your bathtub behind the shampoo, laughing. Under your sink, inside the toilet paper tube.
These little cock(roaches/suckers) are everywhere. They're relatively harmless, but whenever you find one, you make it your personal and undying mission to end its life as quickly as possible.
This is when our natural instinct to improvise and invent comes into play. Suddenly, everything is a weapon. Rolled up newspapers, shoes, hairspray -- anything you can throw, shoot or spray.
The thing that really sucks is if that little fucker scurries under your bed or something. You know once the light goes off that son of a bitch has the advantage. Kill it, or don't sleep with your mouth open.
4. Waking up from a nap and not knowing what day it is.
So you get off work. First day you've gotten off early in probably 12 years. You need a fucking nap. The lights are off, the curtains are closed -- suddenly it's just you and your futon.
Next thing you know, it's dark outside. The clock says it's 6:30, but that can't be right. Did you sleep all night? Damn. Guess you have to get up and grab a shower. After all, you work at 8 a.m.
So you go through your morning routine. You take last Wednesday's shirt, Fabreze it and throw it in the dryer, dig through the laundry pile to find the pair of socks that can't stand up on their own and put on the pair of pants that smells the least like shit. After a couple of cold pizza slices for breakfast, you're about to head out the door. But wait, there's something wrong.
Is it getting darker? What the fuck is going on? How is this possible? Is it the apocalypse? Did I sleep 'til 2012?
That's when you finally decide to turn on the news (in this scenario, you may or may not still have a crippling porn addiction). It's then when you realize what just happened, and you feel really, really stupid.
Like, really stupid. Seriously. Jackass.
5. Some douche whom you've never met mooching your beer at a BYOB.
(Thanks to Trisha for this idea.)
Usually when a friend makes plans to have a really awesome party at his/her house, they make very clear the alcohol situation. There either will be alcohol, or there will not be alcohol. If the latter is the case, these parties usually require attendees to bring their own shit, should they desire to get pants-shitting drunk.
There's always that one guy. That one motherfucker. First you see him with a Corona. Next time you cross paths, he's drinking a Coor's Light. And then you see it. Right there. In his hand. That shithead is drinking Yuengling. Your Yuengling! This little prick didn't hit the store up like everyone else did before the party, and now he's skimming beers from the multitude of open boxes in the fridge -- trying to be all inconspicuous 'n shit. But you're on to him. You know what's up. He isn't fucking fooling anyone.
The rest of the party knows, too. But you party with a bunch of bitches who are too afraid of confrontation to say anything, so now it's up to you to save the beer for people who actually brought beer.
Clearly the only option here is to break the bottle over his head and threaten to cut him with the shards of glass still left in your hand until he fucking leaves.
Yeah, that'll show him. Plus, you with a broken bottle and a look on your face that would make cute, furry animals cry would make for a fantastic Facebook pic.
6. Expecting consistent updates from a source because that's what the source promised, and then said source totally not fucking delivering.
Look. I fucking said I was sorry, okay? God.
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Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem. Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.
Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.
Six. Think Monday sucks as much as I do? Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck. If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post. Seriously! What an honor it would be for you!
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