My cover letter, for your consideration.

I learned a lot of things when I moved and went to college.

I majored in communications, with advertising as my concentration.

I learned about target markets and VALS and media buying, how to use AP-style writing and the different ways in which one can consume the most beer in the shortest amount of time.

All the skills you acquire at college -- these things serve the purpose of helping you build a strong résumé and cover letter so that a potential employer will take you seriously.

Being a new graduate, I've recognized the importance of a one-of-a-kind cover letter/résumé combo.  I'm hoping that, with a little wordsmithing, people will be climbing over each other in an attempt to hire me.  Below is the cover letter I intend to submit to companies for their consideration.

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Dear Sir or Ma'am,

Did you catch the news today?  It said unemployment is giving this country what-for.  Something ridiculous like 10 percent of the entire working population is unemployed.  Apparently there are no jobs to be had because companies can't afford to keep people around.  Yet here you are, reading my letter and résumé for the purpose of potentially hiring me at your place of business.  I think that's pretty swell.

I graduated with a commendable GPA of 2.90.  Why a 2.90?  Because I didn't want to be a dickhead showoff.  I'm a firm believer in giving other people the spotlight from time to time.  Plus, had I graduated with the 4.0 I so rightly deserved, people would've just made the assumption that I had sexual relations with my professors in exchange for good grades.

Not being a dickhead showoff or a whore to my higher-ups for promotions are skills I can bring to your ever-growing, ever-changing company.

I currently have seven years of experience in the service industry as a server and a host.  While I understand restaurant bitch-work skills are for the most part non-transferable to the position for which I am applying, I hope you'll take into consideration my unrelenting dedication to dead-end jobs.  Research of your business and the position for which I am a candidate leads me to believe that this is, in fact, not a dead-end job at all.  Imagine the dedication I will put forth for a job that actually has the potential go somewhere.

During this economic clusterfuck, I understand the desire for businesses to hire the best of the best.  I will not use this cover letter to tell you how flawless and awesome I am, because you've read thousands of these and you'd more than likely call bullshit after the first paragraph.  Instead, I can tell you that I am mediocre at best, but goddammit, I'm hilarious.

If you have any further questions or you want to hire me like, right now -- you can call me at (XXX) XXX-XXXX or e-mail me at imnotleavingmyemailaddress@here.com.  I look forward to hearing from you as soon as you finish reading this letter.

Sincerely,

-Jeff

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Hire me.