No hot water for your shower?
Cockroaches overrunning your Cheerios?
Hungover? Do you know the name of the person you're waking up next to? Are you afraid it's going to start burning when you pee now? Do you even know where the fuck you are?
That sucks. All of it.
Know what else sucks? I shouldn't have to tell you anymore. You all know why you're here.
It's fucking Monday, y'all.
It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams. In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will (assuming I don't run out of ideas) provide a list of three things that totally suck each week.
This week's post is brought to you by this piss-drunk polar bear:
1. iTunes.
I'm not a bettin' man. Not at all. I usually fucking lose. But I will make one bet I'm sure I have a good chance of winning. I'll bet you have an iPod to hold and listen to all your illegally downloaded shit. Now, how does one get the aforementioned five-finger-discounted music from the porn machine to the pirate ship?
"Pirate ship" is reference to your iPod. Because that's where all the pirated music goes. I still feel like I have to explain these things.
Okay, so it was a stretch. Maybe.
Anyway, in order to get the music on the iPod, you need iTunes -- but you already knew that.
1a. The constant updates.
There are a few things iTunes does well. Media organizing, ease of burning discs and berating you with update requests every fucking time you turn it on it seems like.
According to, as I've said before, the most reliable source on the Internet for any information ever -- Wikipedia -- there have been 60 updates since January 9th, 2001. That means, up until this very day, there have been (and, being a communications major -- I wouldn't trust my math) about seven-and-a-half updates each year for the last eight years. In retrospect, that doesn't seem like a lot, and maybe I'm being a bitch about the whole thing. But you know what? Time flies when you're fucking stealing music, you goddamn dirty thieves.
1b. The "one iTunes per iPod" rule.
In an undying effort to prevent any and all music sharing, iTunes makes it so you can sync your iPod with one computer and one computer only. Say your buddy has that one Alanis Morissette album you want so, so badly. If you took your iPod and hooked it up to his computer, you'd be given five options:
A - Sync with your buddy's computer, thus removing from the iPod all the music you put on it via your computer.
B - Don't sync -- keeping the music you have and figuring out other means of procuring that Morissette CD.
C - Bow to your Apple overlords.
D - A and C
E - B and C
So big deal, right? You can't add songs from a friend's computer to yours. Boo-fucking-hoo. You know what else this awesome rule means? It means if your computer crashes and you have to reinstall iTunes, it means you also have to re-add all the music you had (assuming you were smart enough to keep it all on external -- which you probably weren't) to the new iTunes installation.
After the four score and seven fucking years it takes to update your iTunes library, now comes the task re-syncing your iPod to the iTunes which you've just re-fucking-installed. Guess what? It doesn't recognize your shit! You have to format your iPod and sync it to the "new" computer which you've just connected to.
Bullshit, I say. Fuck you, Apple. My name is Jeff, I'm 24 and while I may be infected with viruses, a little slow in the head or unable to do more than one thing at a time -- I'm a fucking PC.
2. The way the commercial is like, 50 times louder than the show you're watching.
So you're watching TV. You're really into the show. It probably has Jack Bauer in it, and you totally have a hard-on for Jack Bauer. Though, we won't get into how if Vick Mackey and Jack Bauer got into a fight, that Mackey would clean the floor with Bauer in a heartbeat.
But I digress.
You're watching shit blow up and hot girls do hot things and whatnot when those douchebag network execs throw a commercial about hemorrhoids in your face, only, there's something wrong.
You can't hear anything.
Not because the commercial came on silent, but because when it did come on, it was so loud it made your eardrums fucking explode.
Turn the volume down and you win, right? No big deal, right? Wrong. Now you have to pay extra close attention for the show to come back on because when it does, it's going to be damn near silent.
3. This commercial:
I'm sorry to all those who were involved with this commercial. I'm an ad major myself, so I'm not a fan of my shit being criticized. Really though, come on guys. If you seriously think any girl would be interested in a guy whose first band he mentions from his playlist is Alanis Morissette, you're insane.
Mariah Carey? Seriously? What's next, guy? Miley? The Jo Bros?
Finally he says ZZ Top, which is cool, but at that point she's so old and mesmerized by his terrible taste in music, she doesn't give a shit -- except the one she left in her Depends.
It just kills me the way he mentions each artist, like he's got the best playlist known to man. Clearly they wanted to cast a man for this commercial who was good at actling like he had no shame whatsoever.
--
Now, go forth and carpe the fucking
diem. Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day,
so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality
of it all like the rest of us.
Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.
Think Monday sucks as much as I do? Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck. If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post. Seriously! What an honor it would be for you!
I know how much you love it here. Don't be a greedy bastard. Tell your friends! Share the shit out of it! All your options are on the right sidebar. Use them!
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