Yeah, I used this picture last week. It's called "recycling," fuckers. I'm going green.
It's
no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your
soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over
your hopes and dreams. In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for
the first day of the week, I will do everything in my power to make you hate it even more with a list of things that totally suck.
This week's Things that Suck post is brought to you by that crazy ex who slashed your tires that one time a couple years ago.
That jealous bastard.
Your list.
1. When restaurants don't cut the bread all the way through.
You know what I love about America? You can go into almost any major full-service restaurant chain and get some type of free bread -- and usually, it's unlimited! Limitless carbs that don't cost you a dime. Yay, obesity!
While we as an all-consuming people appreciate and enjoy going to restaurants that provide free eats, there's one more thing we also very much enjoy and appreciate: Not having to work. For anything.
So you're out to dinner with, say, three good friends of yours (in this scenario, you have friends). You order your drinks and food and whatnot and prepare for the deliciousness to come.
Your server brings your free bread, and in a rabid, famished fury (you haven't eaten in almost two whole hours!), you claw your way through that pesky napkin to find the treasure within. At this point, you make a shocking discovery.
The bread. It's all in one fucking piece.
Well, sort of. Seems some restaurants don't train their bread slicers how to finish the fucking job. Instead of getting convenient slices of bread that you can grab, butter and consume -- you're left with sort of a suggested "this is how big we'd make our pieces if we were you" type situation.
At this point, it's decision time between you and the other people with you. You need to decide amongst yourselves which one of you has the smallest possible chance of carrying some type of infections disease. That person can then be the one who molests the bread, either tearing off the slices or cutting it with a knife (keeping in mind you still have to grope the loaf* with the hand that isn't holding the knife).
*"Grope the loaf" sounds like a really disgusting euphemism for masturbation.
When all is said and done, some of you end up with mostly crust and crumbs, while the rest are left with some squashed, deformed part of the chewy center. None of you are happy, but fuck the lot of you for complaining about something that was free to begin with.Yeah. You grope she shit out of that loaf.
2. Pouring cereal and not having milk.
This shit happens too often to ignore. One morning you wake up, right? All you can think of is how much you hate your job, and how much you love Cocoa Puffs. The magic they make when interacting with your milk is as glorious as the sunrise or when Natalie Portman shaved her head.
Right?!
You pour your cereal -- Cocoa Puffs or otherwise -- and prepare your tongue for Tastegasm '09. Opening the fridge, you discover something that brings you to your knees.
The milk. It's... it's gone.
Now breakfast-less and utterly defeated, you make some sort of attempt at saving the once to-be-consumed cereal by pouring it back in the box. Once this is completed, you head to your roommate's bedroom and piss all over his things, because it was that fucker's turn to buy the milk.
3. Waking up with a dead arm.
Are you one of those people who sleep with one arm under the pillow? If you are, this probably happens to you more times than you'd really care for.
We all hate our alarms. The first thing we want to do when they go off is rip them from the wall and throw them out the window or smash the shit out of then with a sledgehammer. Whatever the method may be, the result is the same: we want those fuckers to stop making noise as soon as humanly possible.
It's 7 a.m. and your clock is shouting vulgarities at you in alarm-speak. With no energy to throw the piece of shit out the window and no sledgehammer available, you have to resort to reaching over and hitting the Snooze button with a crushing blow. You haven't opened your eyes yet (because, well, fuck the sun, right?) and you notice something seriously wrong. You try to move your arm but nothing happens. What is normally a full-functioning limb is now a dangling piece of useless flesh, and this shit is really starting to freak you the hell out. Are you paralyzed from the shoulder down? Will you ever be able to write, click a mouse, wipe your own ass or, you know -- take care of your own business (another masturbation joke? really?) again?
Finally, after much maneuvering, you start to feel the pins and needles sensation of a body part that regains regular circulation. After five or 10 minutes of dealing with having a dead arm, you're in no mood to go back to sleep. Reluctantly, you get out of bed, take your morning piss and head to the kitchen for a delicious bowl of cereal. Thing is, you still don't have any fucking milk.
--
Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem. Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.
Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts.
Think Monday sucks as much as I do? Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck. If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post. Seriously! What an honor it would be for you!
I know how much you love it here. Don't be a greedy bastard. Tell your friends! Share the shit out of it! All your options are on the right sidebar. Use them! Retweeting or posting this on your Facebook page is seriously the best feeling in the world.
1 comments unrelated:
I've said too much, so I'll let you take it from here.