You see, this Things that Suck post is special. Not the kind of special your mom referred to you as when you were a child. Keep telling yourself that helmet they made you wear was to reshape that hideously flat head of yours. We totally believe you.
It's special because it's the last Content Unrelated post of 2009. Christmas is fast-approaching and you people have better things to do. I know I fucking do.
You may also have noticed that it's Tuesday, not Monday -- when Things that Suck is usually posted. Do me a favor if you will, and just for once use your goddamn imaginations and pretend you live in Pacific Standard Time. It's barely 9 p.m. in California. If for whatever reason I don't get this posted by 3 a.m. EST, pretend you live in fucking Hawaii. Cut me some slack here.
Okay, you know what? Fuck it. Stock intro time:
It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams. In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will do everything in my power to make you hate it even more with a list of things that totally suck.
This week's post is brought to you by herpes. There. I said it.
1. Getting a phone call or a text message when you're already in the middle of writing one.What? You wanted to see a picture of herpes? Fucking gross, y'all.
So you're like, 113/160 characters into this really amazing bit of gossip you heard about Jim from Sally who heard it from her best friend who heard it from her boyfriend's little brother who heard it from his friend Sam's cousin's roommate's gynecologist's son.
Suddenly, your text message disappears and you hear someone's voice come through the speaker of your phone. This happens when you're furiously pushing buttons on your phone as someone calls, and your phone picks up because you can't keep your sausage thumbs off the keypad long enough to pay attention to what the hell is going on, other than this guy Jim who everyone seems to hate enough to love talking about.Sally's best friend's boyfriend's little brother's friend Sam's cousin's roommate's gynecologist's son is a goddamn blabbermouth.
Let's assume for a second you don't have a QWERTY keypad and it took you some time to carefully craft that scathing rumor about Jim. Let's also assume your phone is a piece of shit and doesn't save your texts as drafts when something like this happens. Not only is the anti-Jim propaganda you worked so hard on (heh, "hard on") gone, but chances are now you're stuck on the phone with someone you didn't want to fucking talk to in the first place.
Even better, it's probably fucking Jim.
Now you're stuck on the phone with someone whose calls you've been avoiding for three days because they lacked the fucking courtesy to wait until you were done with your text message before they called. The best part about it is if you actually give them shit for being the cause of text-deletion. Like they could've predicted when you were writing a text message. Get the fuck over yourself.
2. Waving to people you don't know.
This is one of the most easily avoidable yet most awkward and embarrassing situations you can find yourself in. It either happens when you see someone you think you know and you start waving to them or calling their name -- only, upon further examination (when said person gives you a weird look and starts walking fast in the opposite direction), you realize this person, in fact, isn't who you thought it was.
The other scenario you find yourself in is when you could swear to God someone is making eye contact with you and waving at you from across the room. You don't want to be a dick (or a bitch, ladies), so you smile and nod in their direction, all while giving an awkward half-wave, half-air-five-gone-wrong. Inevitably, this person will see you wave at them like an idiot and laugh at you to their friends behind your back for the rest of the night.
Pay more attention next time and things like this won't fucking happen. Dig?
3. Season-ending cliffhangers.
How many of you went batshit insane over the summer after the Lost Season One finale? That's all you talked about for three months. You wanted to know what the fuck was in the hatch, and you wanted to know right then. Or for my readers old enough to remember a little show called Dallas. How many of you came dangerously close to a balls-out riot when you had to wait to find out who the hell shot J.R.?
Dear Network Execs -- you take the fate of your show into your hands by creating these last-30-seconds-of-the-finale plot twists. While we, the viewers, appreciate your desire to generate buzz about a show we think more people should watch, we fucking hate how crazy you make us when the helicopter crashes and one of the members of the squad is dead, but you won't tell us which one. Is it wrong for us to ask for a little fucking closure here and there?
Cliffhangers keep us watching, they keep us talking and they keep us certifiably shithouse rat crazy for three months out of the year. Usually during the summer when we should be enjoying ourselves. Instead, we're rocking back and forth in the corners of our apartments and homes wondering which ER staffer was in the ambulance when it fucking exploded.
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I want to take a second to thank you for continuing to support my bullshit. While this may be my last post of the decade (weird!), you can still keep up with my insanity 140 characters at a time on Twitter.
If you still want something to read (for the filling of the void the absence of new posts will no doubt leave you), please check out the bloggers I've got listed on the blogroll, which you'll find on the right sidebar. I guarantee you'll find some really great stuff there, and some of them are updated pretty frequently.
Otherwise, here are the ghosts of Things that Suck past:
<-- 13 - 12 - 11.5 - 11 - 10 - 9 - 8/7 - 6 - 5 - 4 - 3 - 2 - 1 -->
Now, go forth and carpe the fucking decade. See you bitches in 2010.
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