Two Thousand and Nine

I swear to God, this is my last post of 2009.

Really.

No.  Really.

So, let's do what every other news channel/Web site/blog/anyone who can fucking communicate is doing.

Let's talk about it.  Gather 'round, children.

Let me start off by saying I was a communications major in college.  I didn't study Political Science or History or Religion or anything like that, so my qualifications for talking politics or the like are pretty much nonexistent.  People lie when they say all opinions matter, because mine doesn't.  At all.  Not when it comes to this shit, anyway.  If you want a satirical and hysterical perspective on world events, watch the fucking Daily Show. 

For Americans, the start of 2009 was pretty sweet.  We swore in our first black(ish) president.  Maybe the botched swearing-in process a sign of things to come? 

We received a hefty loan from China to the tune of somewhere around whatever comes after infinity dollars.

Tiger Woods having a shit-ton of sex apparently was big news.  I think people are just pissed because he's had more sex than they have. 






With hotter (actually, that's debatable) women!

Michael Phelps got caught hitting a bong.  That was news, too.  Whooptie-fucking-do.  Actually, shit.  Was that even this year?  Damn.  I just looked.  It was 2008.  Anyway, good for him.  Guy brought home -- what was it? -- eight gold medals?  Let the half-man half-machine unwind before he goes batshit insane and explodes.

I apologize, man.  I might be getting 2008 and 2009 mixed up, but wasn't it this year when we tried to end the world by turning on the Large Hadron Collider?  Was that in 2009?  Who cares, really.  We're still here.  We didn't get sucked up into a man-made black hole.  We didn't unleash a demonic Hell-beast from a different dimension.  We're fine.

Oh!  I know something that happened this year!  Sarah Palin quit being Alaska's boss.  That happened!

We saw an insane amount of celebrity deaths this year, too.  Legendary pitchman Billy Mays sold his last stick of Mighty Putty in 2009, much to my dismay.  The man was a goddamn hero.  All I had to do was hear the trademark "Hi, Billy Mays, here!" and I knew everything was going to be okay.

Now we're stuck with Vince Offer.  Yeah.  The Slap Chop guy.  I hear you're gonna love his nuts, though.

Some no-name pop singer named, uh, was it Michael?  Yeah.  Says here it was a guy named Michael Jackson.  He apparently contributed a shitload to modern music, and was an inspiration to many.

You know what really pissed me off about his death?  People kept saying things like, "Good, that pedophile is finally where he fucking belongs."  Show some respect, y'all.  Separate the artist from the art.

We also saw the fallings of Golden Girl Bea Arthur, the most trusted man in news Walter Cronkite and Charlie's hottest Angel, Farrah Fawcett.  And God finally put Baby in a corner when he took Patrick Swayze from us much too soon.

We were blessed this year with films like The Hangover, District 9 and Inglourious Basterds.  None of which will earn the big awards at the Oscars because the Academy is full of stuck-up douchebags.

Don't even fucking get me started on Twilight.  Only thing good that came out of that mess was a good show put on by that one Taylor kid on Saturday Night Live.

According to the radio, there were only about 10 songs that came out in 2009.  Boom Boom Pow and I Gotta Feeling are so horribly catchy it's disgusting.  Miley Cyrus made our ears bleed with Party in the USA, Jay-Z and Rihanna rapped and sang to us about New York, and Taylor Swift whined a song about not being able to get a date because she dresses like a boy.  Something like that.

Cracked.com writers can put 2009 into a way better perspective than I can.  If you have a second and you have an ass you want to laugh off, check out this article.  This one, too.

Now, it's your turn.  If you feel so inclined, comment on this post and tell me what songs or movies you liked or hated in 2009.  Talk about the news.  Talk about 2009 in general.  I don't care, just talk.

Alright, y'all, 2010 is fast-approaching.  My resolution is no beer and no swearing.  I look forward to breaking those resolutions with you all as I write my first post of 2010.

Happy New Year.