Things that Suck #15

Happy suck-ass Monday Wednesday, y'all.

Really glad you guys stuck around.  I'm going to talk a lot about toilets today, so buckle up.

It's no secret that Monday Wednesday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams.  In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first third day of the week, I will do everything in my power to make you hate it even more with a list of things that totally suck.

1.  Sitting on a warm toilet seat.

Many things exist in this world that are used and reused multiple times by many, many different people.  Some of these people are white and some are black.  Some of them are tall, short, thin or fat.  Some of these people have nine toes, short hair, long hair, or both (I'm looking at you, mullets).  Some of them have big feet, while others have crabs.

Ha.  STD jokes.  Good to be back.

Now, while many things are reused by the aforementioned people, we still don't like to think these things are reused at all.  We like to think that fork we're eating from was never used.  We block things like reused plates and cups out of our mind because generally when you're given these plates and cups, they're clean.  When things are clean, you have a much easier time not thinking about the last thousand-or-so people who've used these things before you.

And then you sit down on the public toilet seat.

And it's still warm.

At this point, it's damn near impossible to not think about who last sat on that very same throne to empty their tanks.  Are their shitty, pissy germs still floating around in that deceptively clean water?  What if you have a dense doodie and some of that water splashes up on you?

Oh shut up.  It's a fact of life.  A really, really fucking disgusting fact of life.

2.  Sitting on a cold toilet seat.

The only thing worse than sitting on a warm toilet seat is a cold one.  Why?  One word.  "Cold."  If there's one common theme with most of the things that've been on these lists, is that they have been cold.  Stubbing your toe when it's cold, cold showers, etcetera.

Sitting on a cold toilet seat is no different.  I mean, here you are, about to commit your bare ass to the throne -- expecting this personal time to at least be comfortable -- when suddenly, the throne bites back.

You have to be stern with the throne, y'all.  If you don't tough it out and sit down on the first try, that baby is going to stay cold until you sit there for more than the half a second your bitch ass will allow.

You have to sit there and warm that sucker up to allow for maximum comfort.

And to make the next person suffer through number one on this list.

3.  Sitting on a toilet when the seat is up.

I told you.  Toilet humor is what we fucking do, here.  Most of the time it's figurative.  This time, it's literally about toilets.

I won't draw this one out.  We've all fucking done it.  It's three o'clock in the morning, and your Fourth Meal is kicking the shit out of your intestines (literally) and you need to get your number two on.

Too focused on the after-effects of your burrito to turn on a light, you drop trou and squat, only your ass doesn't stop at the toilet seat it's all to familiar with.

The seat was up, and your buttcheeks just did an Olympic swan dive into the abyss.

Because the bowl sits to low, you can't recover from the dip, and your knees buckle as the rest of the top half of your lower torso takes a swim.

Boy, do you ever feel stupid.  She told you to put the seat down, too -- but you didn't listen.  You never listen.

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Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem.  Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.  

Keep hating Monday (or Wednesday) with previous Things that Suck posts. 

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Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.  Seriously!  What an honor it would be for you!

I know how much you love it here.  Don't be a greedy bastard.  Tell your friends!  Share the shit out of it!  All your options are on the right sidebar.  Use them!  Retweeting or posting this on your Facebook page is seriously the best feeling in the world.