Things that Suck 16 - Hawaiian Time Zone Edition

I don't need to tell you this is the Hawaiian Time Zone Edition because it's Tuesday in the states -- which means I'm late with this post.  But you knew that.

Were you pulling for the Jets to take Peyton Manning and the Colts to the cleaners yesterday?  Did you bleeding heart Brett Favre fans have a feeling this was going to be his year?

If either of the above are true -- your Monday is going to suck especially hard.  Get prepared for the onslaught of shit your coworkers are going to give you for your teams' shortcomings.  I know mine will.  I picked the Jets and the Vikings.  I didn't lose any money, but I can't seem to find my credibility anywhere.

Just because your teams couldn't cut it, doesn't mean Monday is going to let up on you, either.

It's no secret that Monday exists for the sole purpose of crippling your soul, consuming your will to live and then projectile-vomiting all over your hopes and dreams.  In order to totally perpetuate this disdain for the first day of the week, I will do everything in my power to make you hate it even more with a list of things that totally suck.

This post is brought to you with limited commercial interruption by two guys who probably don't want to fucking talk to anyone today.

R-r-r-rookie and the vet.

1.  When the Oreo falls victim to the milky abyss.
If you're human, you like Oreo cookies and what happens when you dip them in milk.  We all have our own techniques, but all paths lead to the perfect Oreo experience.

So you're doing whatever it is you to to prepare your Oreo for a swim in the milk jacuzzi, when, gripped by your forefinger and thumb, you begin the dunking process.  You, until now, have this process down to a science.  Your cookie is perfect every time.  This time though, you're a little distracted.  Maybe you're still crying because of Favre's last interception.  Maybe you saw a really emotional episode of The Bachelor.  Either way, you're totally off your game and the Oreo separates itself from the tiny piece pinched between your fingers and sinks to the bottom of your glass.

You certainly aren't going to fish it out -- or maybe you will, depending on how little self-respect you have.

The only thing you can do now is to drink the remaining milk and make some attempt at salvaging the cookie pulp with a spoon.  It's not the same, though.  Like if Gerber made Oreo cookie-flavored baby food.  That's what's at the bottom of your glass.  Baby food.  Fucking gross.

2.  Trying to buy a car.
Car shopping is one of the most annoying things to have to do in the world.  Within a minute thirty of being in the lot looking at cars, some loud-mouth salesperson wants to be your best friend -- vultures on roadkill, man.

And you're always the roadkill in this metaphor.  If you think for a second you have the upper-hand with these people, get ready to sign a 72-month payment plan for 113 dollars more than you initially wanted to pay per month.

They'll tell you what a great deal you made, though.  That has to stand for something.

They're kind of like that really insecure girl you met at your friend's party that one time.  You know, when you were drunk and you gave your number to that one girl.  The one with the crazy eye.

The one who you later found out had more baggage than LAX has at any given time because she called you every.  Single.  Day.  She just wanted to know how you were and when she could see you again.

Sort of like a car salesperson.

Once they get your number and just a hint of interest on your part, your phone will literally explode with better offers and just-in, perfect-for-you trades.

3.  The first gray hair.
The other night, I'd had a dream where my teeth had fallen out of my mouth.  Believe me when I tell you how nauseated I was when I woke up.  There was a part in the dream where one of my front teeth fell out while I was eating something and I crunched on it with my molars.

So after I woke up and made sure I still had all my pearly-whites, I started to think about what it meant.  I'd thought at one point I read that if you dream about teeth falling out, you were going to come into some money.  I thought that was pretty sweet, but I hadn't intended to buy a lottery ticket to prove or disprove that little theory.

Then my manager called and asked me to pick up a serving shift.  What better opportunity to put this dream to the test than to pick up a shift.  Maybe someone will leave me a fat tip, I thought.

To confirm my suspicions, I went online and looked up dream meanings.  This is what I found for teeth falling out:

"These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old."

Not quite what I'd initially thought.  I bring this up because the night before said dream occurred, I found my first fucking gray hair.  On my head.  Plain as gray day.

Feel free to disregard that whole "sexual impotence" thing, too.  We're safe, there.  Because you needed to know that.

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Now, go forth and carpe the fucking diem.  Get some caffeine in your system because Monday's here all day, so you're just going to have to buck up and deal with the harsh reality of it all like the rest of us.  

Keep hating Monday with previous Things that Suck posts. 

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Think Monday sucks as much as I do?  Feel free to comment with your own list of things that suck.  If I think it sucks as much as you do, I'll write about it in a future Things that Suck post.  Seriously!  What an honor it would be for you!

I know how much you love it here.  Don't be a greedy bastard.  Tell your friends!  Share the shit out of it!  All your options are on the right sidebar.  Use them!  Retweeting or posting this on your Facebook page is seriously the best feeling in the world.