To FOX Broadcasting; Bright House -- an Open Letter

Dear FOX Broadcasting and Bright House Networks,

It is my understanding that the two of you are having a tough time coming to an agreement about contracts or whatever.  As far as I know, you're in negotiations to determine whether or not Bright House will continue to carry FOX Broadcasting channels, including my local FOX channel, as well as FX and some other shit channels I don't much care for.

Let me start off by saying if this were a dispute about whether or not to keep the actual FOX News channel, this letter wouldn't even exist right now.  I don't give a shit about FOX News.  As far as I'm concerned, Glenn Beck can suck it.  Anderson Cooper all the way, motherfuckers.

With FOX News out of the equation, I felt it necessary to exercise my right as an American and voice my opinion to you, the providers of expensive and mindless entertainment.

I was there for the resurrection of Family Guy and King of the Hill.  You don't know how important those shows are to me (even though you fuckers canceled King of the Hill for the Cleveland Show, which sucks major balls).  I work in a restaurant.  After a double shift on Sundays, I like to come home and do three things:  Take off my pants, get belligerently drunk and watch Animation Domination.  While I couldn't care less about the Cleveland Show, Family Guy is an extremely crucial ingredient to my overall happiness.  What will I do after I take my pants off and get shitfaced?  Watch Desperate Housewives?  Fuck.  No.

The Simpsons has been on the air for 20 years now.  Theoretically, I've been watching that show since I was four years old.  I haven't been -- but what if I have?  Would you want to rip from my hands a show I grew up on?  I don't want to resort to name-calling, but that'd be a real dick thing to do.

And what will I do the first few weeks of the year when I can't laugh at all the failures on American Idol?  Much like watching Maury, those losers on Idol make me feel so much better about myself when I'm having a shitty day.  Are you really willing to take that away from me?

There will no doubt be a new season of Damages starting soon on FX.  I need to see Rose Byrne, guys.  Do you understand how hot she is?  Never mind the fact that the show is one of the greatest things to ever be broadcast on television, next to Community or How I Met Your Mother (neither of which are on FOX, praise Christ) and It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia (another FX show).  I swear to God if I don't get to see what types of shenanigans the Sunny gang gets into when the new season airs later this year,I'll go up to Heaven and break the Seventh Seal myself so no one has to live in a world without Sunny.

Or I might just bitch a little more.

You know what else I need?  Judge fucking Judy and the lady who runs the People's Court now.  Those ladies kick some serious ass, and I can't go more than a day without seeing either one of them belittle the shit out of some cocksucking defendant for not paying child support or something.

My point is, I hate satellite dishes and I've already tried FiOS.  I've been with Comcast before and they're worse than a herpes viral infection of the eye.  I don't want to have to switch to one of them, but goddammit I will if you two can't play nice.

FOX Broadcasting.  Bright House Networks.  Stay together for the kids, man.

On a side-note -- Bright House.  Turn your guide, menu and On Demand screens back to the way they used to be.  This new setup you have fucking blows.  I have a hard enough time with it myself.  Did you think for a second how difficult it'd be for the old people who subscribe to your service?  They're old.  Have you ever been behind an old person at the grocery store who can't figure out how to use their debit card?  Imagine that with a universal remote control.  Just sayin'.

Sincerely Yours,

Jeff