The (Revised) Ten Commandments for Eating in a Restaurant

You might recall some time ago, in a Things that Suck post, I'd mentioned how working in the service industry can totally suck.  With that, I was able to justify creating a Ten Commandments for restaurant dining and pass it off as a TtS.

With time comes the necessity of change (hear that, old people?  Change.  I know.  Scary).  And like all good things that could always be better, my Ten Commandments needed a touch-up.  Plus, I felt the commandments themselves deserved their own post.

If you're at all familiar with the original post, you might notice similarities between this one and the last, but I have no interest in a full re-write, as I feel some things in the last post still hold true.

Dedicated to all the under-tipped, under-appreciated and over-exhausted servers, hosts, bussers, bartenders, dishwashers, to-go peeps, cooks and everyone else who has lost a part of their soul from doing time in the service industry.

The (Revised) Ten Commandments for Eating in a Restaurant:

Thou Shalt Not Be Impatient
There's a really great chance that the first part of your dining experience will involve waiting for a table.  This time is crucial for both the restaurant staff and patrons alike.  This is where they get to size you up.  How you act in the lobby of a restaurant greatly impacts how the rest of your evening at said restaurant is going to progress.  What I mean to say is, don't act like a shithead, lest you be treated like a shithead.

If it's one thing we're known for having in this beautiful country, it's a ridiculous over-abundance of places where you can get food if you're in a hurry.  That's sort of why they call it "fast food."  Because, you know, it's fucking fast.  If you go into a restaurant and bitch about a 15-minute wait because you're on your lunch break and you only have an hour, I'm sure there're 13 fucking drive-up windows you could go to within a one-mile radius of where you are at any given time.  There are people in third-world countries who would wait hours for a fucking piece of bread.  You can wait 15 minutes.

Patience isn't only needed while you wait for a table, either.  Sometimes you might have to wait a little bit longer than expected for your food, too.  While you might think your food is taking forever because you have a shitty server, this usually isn't the case.  You might not believe this, but 99.9 percent of the time, you aren't the only fucking person in the restaurant whose food is being cooked.  Like waiting in the lobby for a table, you have to wait your turn for your food, too.

Finally, it's time to pay your server.  Say you're in a larger group, and you douchebags all have to pay separately.  You can't expect your server to make change for eight 20 dollar bills in 30 seconds.  It just isn't possible.  Because you can't figure your shit out beforehand, you're going to have to fucking deal with getting back to work late.  God knows if your change came back wrong, you'd stiff your server without thinking twice about it.

Thou Shalt Use Thy Server's Name.
After you've (hopefully) waited patiently for your turn, your host will seat you in a table that belongs to a specific server.  One of the first things this server will do is tell you his or her name.  Once your server has told you their name, that will be the name you refer to your server as for the rest of your dining experience.  I know servers, and I'm pretty sure none of them go by the nicknames "psssst", "hey you", or "hellloooooo".  I also don't know too many people who answer to a snap of the fingers or a whistle.

You know who responds to finger-snaps and whistles?  Fucking dogs.  (Spoiler alert!) Your server is not a dog.

Chances are, instead of getting whatever it is you wanted or needed, all you'll get is ignored.

Thou Shalt Not Use Thy Cellphone
Have you ever been behind some douchebag in the grocery line who takes way too much goddamn time paying for their shit because they're too busy jabber-jawing with someone on their cell phone?  Annoying, right?

Your server is busy.  He or she has other things going on besides you.  And while the workers in the restaurant may be there to wait on you, they aren't there to wait for you.  Your server wants to get your order, you know?  He can't do that with you on the phone talking about whatever it is you're taking about that's so fucking important you find it necessary to ignore everyone and everything around you.  That's how people in the city get hit by buses.

Put the phone down, or shove it up your ass.  Either way, get it the hell away from your face.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's Table
Don't wait for your host/ess to set menus down at a table before you're all, "Oooh!  Kan I has teh booth over dere plz omg!"  You can make these kinds of special requests up front, and up front only.  Once you're name is called for a table, that means a table has been selected for you, you know, because it's your fucking turn to sit.  So please -- fucking sit.  Believe it or not, the food tastes the same whether you're at a table in the front or one in the back.  Your food will also taste the same if you're in a booth, in the bar area, a table in the center of the room or a table in the corner.

Thou Shalt Not Create Thy Own Entree
If there is an item of the menu that you would like to order, use as little "extra this...", "hold that...", "light on...", "none of this, but more of this..." as possible.  If you have to make more than two alterations to one menu item, you might want to consider trying something else.  Everything is prepared by a recipe.  If you ever cooked at home, you'd fucking know that.  If you alter a dish too much, it's not going to be the same as it would be if you ordered it the way it was supposed to be.  So if it tastes bad, it's probably because you screwed it up with your ingredient-shuffling bullshit.

Also, if it's not on the menu, they don't have it.  If they had it before and they don't have it now, they can't and won't make it for you.  If you said "they did it the last time," you're a goddamn liar.

Thou Shalt Coordinate Thy Needs and Pace Thyself
It's been mentioned before, but it needs to be reiterated.  You and everyone else at your table are not your server's only responsibility.  There will be multiple times throughout your dining experience where your server will ask you if you need anything.  This opportunity should be seized by you and fellow party members to, oh, I don't know, tell your sever everything you fucking want.  You can single-handedly throw your server into a tailspin, thereby landing them a spot in the weeds with your staggered wants and needs.

While it may, to some extent, be the server's job to anticipate your needs, you need to give a little, too.  Anticipate your own needs.  Be an adult.  Make an assessment of things you have and the things you might want more of.  Don't ask your server for more soup, only to ask them for a drink refill when they come back. And then more salad when they come back from that.  It'd be like calling Pizza Hut and ordering a pizza, then calling back five minutes later and ordering wings, then calling back three minutes later and ordering two more pizzas, then calling back four minutes later and changing the toppings on the first pizza from the second order.

Everyone hates you after that.  That isn't a good feeling, is it?  Figure your shit out when it's time to tell your server what you need.  If you want bread, and butter for that bread -- ask for the shit at the same time.  Also, your Coke is running out.  Go ahead and ask for that, too.  And tell your dumbass friends to check their shit to see if they need anything, too.  Your server will be way more efficient if you give them a chance to bring you more than one thing at a time.

And you know, just because the drinks and bread are refillable, it doesn't mean you have to eat and drink as fast as you can so you can immediately get more.  The soda and bread will not disappear.  Rations of carbs and sugar are fine.  It's not 2012.  The apocalypse isn't nigh.  John Cusack will not save you.  So slow down, your server doesn't want to have to deal with your stupid ass choking because you couldn't control your damn intake.

Thou Shalt Take Responsibility For Thy Spawn. 
If you are part of a party containing children, and you are the one informing the host/ess of your party size, remember that the children in your party are people too.  Count them.  They need a place to plant their asses like the rest of you.

Also, be prepared to adjust the tip according to the confetti of Cheerios, french fries and crayons left on the floor from your demonseed that your server will eventually have to clean up.  Would you leave that kind of a mess at a friend's house?  I didn't think so.

Furthermore, if you aren't at Chuck E. Cheese's, then don't let your bastard children run amok in the restaurant.  You're the boss, figure out how to keep them under control.  It's called parenting; you should give it a try.

Thou Shalt Not Camp
If you've broken the first commandment on this list, then clearly you have a problem with patience.  But listen.  Do you know why you have to wait for that table?  Because some other motherfuckers refuse to leave.

These people will get their check and then continue to sit there until the skin of their asses take root in their chairs.  This does nothing but prevent other people from sitting down.  So while they are pitching their tent, making s'mores and singing Kumbaya, no one else can be seated, and the server is making no money from that table.

Most restaurants have a restriction on the number of tables they allow their servers to have.  If you're at a restaurant that has three-table sections, you could -- in theory -- be knocking out one-third of your server's overall tips for that shift.

If you decide to camp, you'd fucking better tip accordingly.  That's all I'm saying.

Thou Shalt Not Close The Restaurant
"What time do you close tonight?"
"In about 10 minutes."
"Oh.  Good.  So we still have time, then."

Ugh.

You may have a hard time believing this, but the lives of the people who work in a restaurant don't revolve around said damn restaurant.  These people have wives and husbands and kids and pets -- just like you.  Before you go into a restaurant and it's late, you better be aware of what time they close.  There are all types of people who can totally fuck your day up if you work in a restaurant, but the absolute worst kind is the one that keeps you there after the place should be closed.

And even if you aren't sure exactly what time the place closes -- fucking look around.  If you're the only people in the entire dining room, that should spark some sort of question as to what time that particular establishment locks their doors.

Thou Shalt Tip Properly
Self.  Fucking.  Explanatory.

You might hear stories about servers in different states making more than minimum wage along with getting tipped.  These things are adjusted for cost of living.  This does not --  I repeat --  this does not excuse you from leaving less than 20 percent.

Did you know in most restaurants, the servers tip out a percentage of their earnings to bussers, hosts, bartenders and food-runners?  When you tip, you aren't just tipping the servers.  They don't make every cent you give them.

I understand the economy sucks.  You've had to make some financial cutbacks.  Well you know what?  The economy doesn't just suck for you.  It sucks for your server, too.  It sucks for the hosts and the cooks and the bussers.  All I'm saying is -- if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to go out to eat.

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If the above commandments are adhered to, your dining experience will be an enjoyable one.  I guarantee it.  Your server will be happy.  You will be happy.  They will want you to come back, and you will, in return, want to come back because of how you are treated when you follow the rules.

Servers don't forget you.  Good guest or bad.

Servers never forget.

Have your own commandment?  Leave it in the comments, or something.