Introducing the hip, new Census

The Census just got cool, y'all.

While watching TV (an activity I frequent -- surprised?), I'd peeled my ass off the couch and headed to the kitchen for another three pounds of frozen Thin Mints I had stashed in the freezer.

While loading up my wheelbarrow of chocolaty, minty heaven to drag back to the couch, I heard something.  It was a song.  A rap song.  Based on the immediate information my ears sent to my brain, my brain nearly convinced my body to violently throw something heavy at the TV to destroy it and then promptly find the tallest building in town to jump off of.

At first I was confused.  I was almost positive I wasn't on BET when I left the couch, and I checked my pulse to make sure I hadn't died and gone straight to Hell.

Shawty wanna buuurn.

Because I'm a sucker for punishment and I very much love to torture myself, I used my DVR and rewound the TV so I could see exactly what the fuck was going on.

This is what the fuck was going on.

I can't even begin to comprehend this.  I mean, 11-year-olds aren't going to fill out the Census, and I feel like those are the only people in the country this particular commercial would target.

I'll be the first to admit I know nothing when it comes to like, rap and shit -- so I couldn't tell you whether or not the beat is "sick," or if it has a nice "flow" or anything like that.

All I know is, the commercial made me sick and the vomit flow.

Dear Census Bureau, stop trying to make filling out a questionnaire cool.  I can't imagine anyone running the show over there to be under the age of 60, so just ... just stop.

You're like the grandpas of the world trying to relate to their grandkids by saying things like "fo-shizzle."

It doesn't work on them, and neither will this.

Seriously.  Stop.