No, it's not Monday. I've come to terms with the fact that these particular posts may or may not fall on Mondays anymore. This is something you're going to have to deal with on your own time. I have things to do, and I don't have time to sit here and tell you everything's going to be okay and hold your hand or some shit.
Suck it up.
Be an adult.
So, why not Mondays? Mondays seemed to be a perfect day to bitch and moan about how things suck, right? We really had a good thing going there, didn't we?
Let me tell you a bit about how my brain works.
It doesn't work. Plain and simple.
I tried too hard to push out posts every week, and at first, it worked out pretty well. I had a lot of white, suburban, middle-class rage pent up inside me. It's hard out there, you know?
The fun soon wore off. I still enjoyed writing, but I fucking hate deadlines. I can't even begin to tell you the number of drunken all-nighters I pulled in college trying to start and finish research papers I had an entire semester to do.
Once I started thinking in terms of, "Ah, shit, I need to bang out a Things that Suck tonight because tomorrow's Monday already," it immediately turned into work.
I like bitching to you guys. I just don't like having to work, that's all. I'm a lazy prick, and we've discussed this ad nauseam. I haven't forsaken you. I'm still here to curse at you and paint word-pictures of myself finger-pointing, spitting and foaming at the mouth over really retarded shit.
All that being said, Things that Suck will no longer (in case you haven't figured this part out already) be exclusively saved for Mondays. I'll post that shit whenever I want, and dammit, you're going to fucking like it.
Here's your list, ladies.
1. Mondays
Yeah, I fucking did. I've spent the last 18 posts talking shit about Mondays, and for good reason. No one in their right mind wants to go back to work on Monday. After a weekend of bad decisions, binge-drinking, orgies and enough drug abuse to render you into a giggling, seizing, wall-licking, Leprechaun-chasing mess -- you want nothing more than to shut yourself off from the rest of the world for just one day of recovery so you can face Tuesday with nothing more than a little cottonmouth and itchy genitalia.
I support you.
2. When someone blocks the right turn lane.
If this sounds familiar to you, it's because I covered something very similar to it in a previous post. This one's different in that instead of talking about the left lane, we're -- you guessed it, you geniuses! -- talking about the right lane.
Picture this, y'all. You're driving on a two-lane road and you're fast-approaching (I say fast because you probably drive like a maniac) an intersection. At this particular juncture, your trusty GPS indicates you need to make a right turn at said intersection because it's the quickest way to the XTC at which you plan to buy a new date to inflate later that evening.
You're close to the light when it turns yellow. No matter, you think. You won't have to wait because you're going to make a right turn, and everyone knows a motherfucker can turn right on red.
It's the rules, y'all.
You prepare to make your turn. You're close now, but what's this? Some snowbird dickhead from fucking Antarctica slams on his brakes at the yellow. Turn. Turn right, you slut! You scream over Lady GaGa. Don't make me wait for you! Why are you going straight! PLEASE DON'T GO STRAIGHT. People start staring. You relax, but you are far from chill. All you want to do is turn right and the asshole in front of you didn't have enough sense or courtesy to utilize the left lane --exclusively for cars going straight -- and instead held you back another five minutes.
On the flipside -- don't you hate being that guy? I mean, we've all been there. You thought you were going to make the light but you totally didn't. You want to go straight and you notice the guy behind you with his right signal on. You get uncomfortable. You fidget in your seat, maybe inching your car forward in a subconscious attempt at letting the person behind you know that you understand their frustrations with your stupid ass. You want them to know that you get it.
But you're still a douche.
3. When the radio overplays your favorite song.
So you just bought this new CD. All the songs (except the first single) are fantastic. Track three blows your fucking mind. It's brilliant. You can totally relate to the lyrics, and the guitar solo -- oh, my God the solo! It rips your face off. You feel like you're the only person in the world who even knows this song exists.
And then 98.9 THE BONE gets a hold of it.
And then 87 percent of your friends on Facebook have some lyric from the song as a status update.
And then everywhere you go, some fuckwad has it as his ringtone -- letting it ring all the way through just because he wants people to hear how cool he is for having it as a ringtone in the first place.
Sidenote -- if you're one of those fuckwads, people secretly hate you.
And then you go to work, and people are all, "Oh, man! Have you heard the newest song from suchandsuch band! It's like, so good or whatever OMGLOL!"
And then every time you hear that song from then on, you hate it with a passion that burns deeper and hotter than if the Devil himself had herpes.
You loved that song, too. Lost your virginity to it and everything. Now you hate it, and your relationship is destined to fail.
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There you go, children. I hope you enjoyed your Things that Suck fix. If you have anything sucky you need discussed here on a TtS post, write that shit in the comments! You've seen how we do things around here, give me some thoughts.
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