Itchy Balls?

Let me first address this whole issue of my absence by saying I'm not going to address the issue of my absence.

You didn't miss me.  You didn't even know I was gone.

Now I'm back, bitches.

Whether or not all this going to be better than ever is still to be determined.

One thing's for sure.

I'm still going to say "fuck."

I'm still going to make an STD joke.  Or two.  Or a thousand.

Bask in the glory of my triumphant return.

According to a Google Image search, this is what "glory" looks like.  Bask, bitches! Bask!

Now, believe it or not, the title of this totally mature, dignified and sophisticated post has absolutely nothing to do with STDs.

I know!  You'd think I'd made a turnaround for the better.

Well happy belated April Fool's Day, suckah.

Nope, this post tackles something that all men face at one or multiple times in their lives.

If the title of the post didn't give it away for you, or you're so completely dimwitted that I need to repeat myself instead of making you scroll up and figure it out for yourself -- I'm talking about itchy balls.  Sorry, ladies.  This one's for the guys.

Gentlemen.  We've all been there.  Itchy balls strike at all the inopportune moments.  Moments where it's never acceptable to take the three and a half seconds necessary to take care of your situation and move on.  Shit gets uncomfortable.  People think you're dirty.  "Why is that man scratching his balls?  That's fucking disgusting.  I bet he has crabs.  Or the Ebola virus.  Come on, honey, let's walk across the street to the other sidewalk.  I don't want to catch his Ebola virus.  Shit turns your insides into fucking jelly, I hear."

Your insides, on wheat.

Don't try to act like that exact scenario hasn't happened to you.

So, fellas, let's get to why I'm writing about this in the first place.  See, unless science has come up with other, more technologically advanced was to take care of this socially awkward situation, I know of two ways to, well, scratch the itch.  I have debated with people about this, because it is my personal belief that at least 90 percent of guys use the pinch and roll technique versus the straight up scratch with nails technique.

No.  I'm not explaining pinch and roll.

Gentlemen, here's where you come in.  Set aside your embarrassment for two seconds and post a comment.  If I could figure out how to add a poll to this post, I would do that so I wouldn't have to ask you to actually post your answers, but I can't, so this is how it's going to be.  Deal with it.

Which technique of the two do you use?  This is a simple survey.  Don't go into details.  I do not want to hear about your testicles.  Really.  Three-word answers are totally fine.

1.  Pinch and roll.

2.  Scratch with nails.

Like that.  It isn't difficult.

Ah, guy talk.  Ladies, if you have anything to say about itchy balls, by all means, fucking go for it.