Google Has Led You Astray 3 - FAQ Edition

In these posts, I explore the search terms people were using when they happened upon my little slice of heaven instead of getting what they really wanted -- like when you asked your parents for an Xbox last year and those heartless bitches shit all over your hopes and dreams, replacing the console with clothes instead.

He'll take over the world one day -- and this'll be the reason why.

Sometimes people use Google to search not for things -- but for answers.

The search terms in this -- the FAQ edition -- are all questions people have asked the all-mighty Google in hopes that they will once and for all find the answers they seek.

Depressingly for them; they got Content Unrelated instead.

In an effort to put these individuals' minds at ease, I will take the liberty of answering some of these questions for them, so that they can finally rest easy knowing the solutions to the problems that have plagued them for so long.

You've got questions, I've got bullshit.

1.  "what if i suck my man balls and get a std"
Well I guess if you suck your man's balls and get an STD -- then you have an STD.  Get it fixed.  No.  I take that back.  Get yourself fixed.

This is the kind of shit I get for making herpes jokes.

But what if this person meant to ask, "if i suck my man balls can i get a std?"  If I'm going to do this right, I need to cover all my bases.

This question could be taken into a couple different directions.  First, do you refer to your testicles as man-balls? If that's the case, then I suppose you could get an STD from sucking your own balls.  I'm not entirely sure how it works, though.  Maybe with herpes.  You could get it on your lips.  The important thing here, is that you're limber enough to suck yourself off; which is a good thing because if you have to ask Google if you can get an STD from sucking your own balls, the world will be a better place if you don't need anyone else to get you off.  We don't need your herpes-infested bastard children running around making problems for everyone.

If you are, in fact, referring to someone else's (your man's) balls and you're just illiterate and unable to correctly use possessives or properly differentiate between "a" and "an" -- then the answer is still "yes."  My advice?  If the balls you're about to put in your mouth are red, irritated or oozing with puss and/or blood -- keep them out of your fucking mouth.

2.  "what is a lazy prick?"
It's the new euphemism for erectile dysfunction.  Until this point, men who suffered with this terrible infliction had to settle with "impotence" or "ED" or "boner-challenged."

3.  "what does his cuddling mean"
He's just trying to be nice.  He finally got laid after all that wining and dining and movies and flowers and 2 a.m. talks about the meaning of life and hearing about all her jackass ex-boyfriends and holding her hair back when she drinks herself into a projectile-vomiting stupor, so at this point he figures cuddling with you would be the best thing to do so as to not totally fuck up his chances for a repeat performance in the very near future.

4.  "has anyone written new lyrics to pina colada getting caught in the rain?"
Why does it even fucking matter?  You think songs are like Hollywood?  You think that even if the first one is way overplayed and God-awful (yet still for whatever reason, fucking adored) that they're going to make a sequel anyway?  This ain't the movies, chump.  Though, if it makes you feel any better, I'll the re-write of the chorus a shot:

If you like Captain and Cola,
If you are not insane.
If you don't have Ebola,
And don't walk with a cane.

It's a start.

5.  "is cuddling with a female friend cool"
Oh, absolutely.  When you're out with the guys having a few beers, make sure you tell them the one story about that hot chick you met at some bar last weekend.  Tell them how you guys got totally shitfaced, went back to her place and made some hot, nasty cuddle all night.  Make sure you throw in the part about how she wanted you so badly, she immediately put her head on your shoulder when you guys sat down on the couch.  The slut.  You'll be the coolest guy at the table.  All your friends will want to buy you a round of drinks; like cosmos, appletinis... you know -- your favorites.

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As always, there are plenty more where these came from. As long as people keep searching for weird shit and finding Content Unrelated instead (suckers!), I'll have fuel for this fire.

Thanks again, Internet.

Where else can Google take you?
Part 1
Part 2

Don't forget, you can follow the bullshit 140 characters at a time on Twitter.  Or, for the more sophisticated (acting) bunch, you can get your "like" on with Facebook.

You could even make things easier on yourself by clicking "Follow" above.