Guide to Surviving the Summer Solstice

Monday's here.  But you don't need me to remind you of that.  The crust in your eyes, the taste of cigarettes, cheap beer and hookers that still lingers in your mouth -- remnants of a weekend you don't want to remember -- are all reminders that the fun is over, and that it's time to get through another week.

Going toe-to-toe and battling Monday is first up in your quest to reach five o'clock Friday.  You know if you can get through today, the road to another weekend of soulless, mindless debauchery will be far easier.

You've forgotten, though.  You forgot that today is the Summer Solstice.  You forgot that today is the longest day of the year.  Today will never end.  Friday will never come.  Abandon all hope, and all that.

Have no fear.  Content Unrelated will save you with this handy guide for surviving the longest (Mon)day of the year.  Follow these simple steps and you'll make it through this shitstorm unscathed.

1.  Call out from work.
Like any good plan, this one begins with telling your job to get fucked for a day.

The phone call version of this.

The first and most important rule for surviving the longest day of the year is to not even think about spending it at work.  This will provide you with an impromptu fake stomach virus-induced three-day weekend, and with that weekend mentality in full swing, you won't feel like such a slack-ass piece of shit for laying around in a wife-beater and your Fruit of the Looms all day.

2.  Close your house up like it's the apocalypse.
Shut the doors.  Close the blinds.  Let no outside light in.  Outside heat?  Fuck it.  Crank the AC.  The sun's going to be out there a long time today, and you don't need any reminders of that.

It's like, this hot.

The daylight is your worst enemy.  For one, you're probably still hungover from Friday.  Secondly, it's hot as balls outside.  Do you really want any of that outside light and heat seeping into your house while you eat Doritos and your ass fuses to the cushion of the couch?  A day off means just that. Take off from the actual day.

3.  Under no circumstances should you wear shoes.
Shoes are the Man's way of keeping you down.  I'm pretty tired of Dane Cook, but he really hit it right on the head when he said "fuck shoes."  Shoes mean you have to go outside for something, and if you're following the rules thus far, it's pretty much implied that the outside world can piss off today.  You have no reason to go outside today, and therefore have no reason to put anything on your feet.

4.  Don't move.
Don't even think about it.  Find a spot (preferably near a television) where you can sit comfortably all day.  Bring all of your snack and drink necessities with you.  That mini fridge your girlfriend wouldn't let you buy last week would've come in handy, so make sure you give her shit about it later.

Could've been yours.

For now, though, you aren't dealing with anything.  You should only get up for reloads and unloads.  That is, when you need more food or drink, or if you have to go do business on the throne.  Do not under any circumstances utilize this extra day to do any sort of housework.  That dried puke on the side of your bathtub has waited three weeks to be taken care of -- it can wait one more day.

5.  When the sun finally goes down -- party.
You've spent all day doing absolutely nothing in the dark.  Now do everything in the dark.  Have some friends over and make some bad decisions.  This is an extended weekend now, after all, and it should be treated as such.  Sure, you might have work in the morning, but who's to say you can't just call in again?  The beauty of that "stomach virus" of yours is that it's usually a 48-hour recovery time.  Your elaborate lie might catch up with you though, as you'll probably be projectile-vomiting your insides out the next day because you'll be gut-wrenchingly, mind-numbingly hungover.

*Enjoy Summer Solstice Responsibly.  Paid for by the Surgeon General.