What I learned from Sex and the City 2.

I think it goes without saying that this entire post is going to be one big goddamned spoiler alert for anyone who hasn't seen this flick yet.

If you don't want me to ruin anything for you, turn back now -- but frankly, after suffering through two and a half hours of middle-aged women in groups of four laughing their collective asses off at an on-camera boner, I couldn't give a shit if I ruin it or not.

I think it also goes without saying I didn't see this movie because I wanted to.  I wasn't dragged either, though.  I went because I'm a fucking awesome boyfriend -- and because now I can make her go see Predators with me. No questions asked.

I sort of went in knowing it was going to be a big disaster.  I remained optimistic though.  I enjoy sex.  I like cities.  How bad could it be?

I realized right away that the very title of this movie was extremely misleading.  There was no sex.  Okay, there was sex twice, for like, three seconds.  Also, there was barely a city.  Only desert.  So from here on, in this post I will refer to the movie as No Sex and the Desert.

So from my understanding -- as I've never seen a single episode on which this flick is based -- the movie is a continuation of the first movie which is a continuation of the series that ran on HBO for longer than it probably should have.  It follows the shenanigans of four middle-aged women who do nothing but drink and talk about shoes and dick.

If you aren't familiar with the characters, you're fucked -- because neither am I.

So without going into more shit than necessary, here's what I learned about women, men and relationships, thanks to No Sex and the Desert.

1.  It isn't creepy at all if you call your girlfriend or wife "Kid."
There's one couple in the movie where the girl who talks with her horse teeth calls her husband "Big" and he calls her "Kid."  Is this weird to you?  It gives this guy a creepy-old-man vibe, and it kind of makes me wonder if Horse Teeth has daddy issues.

2.  "Single Ladies" is the only song ever recorded in the history of ever.
There was no appropriate placement of this song in the movie, but they found a way to shove it down our throats anyway.  I mean come on, none of the she-bitches in the movie are single -- well, none except The Whore (capitalized, because that's her name for the sake of this post).  To top it off, they played it at a wedding.  A gay wedding.  And Liza Minnelli sang it.  How does any of that make sense?  I'm seriously so fucking sick of this song.

3.  You can get an all-expense-paid trip for you and your friends if you whore in the right places.
This movie happened because The Whore did what she does best.  Ladies -- become agents or publicists or whatever this one woman did.  Then, bang the guy and hope he calls you to be his date for the premiere.  Everything else should fall into place after that.

4.  If my wife cheats on me, I need to buy her a diamond ring immediately.
Horse Teeth has a chance run-in with an old flame in fucking Abu Dhabi.  Old Flame and Horse Teeth make out. Horse Teeth tells Big and Big has a black diamond ring ready for her when she gets home.  I don't remember why, and I don't fucking care.  My wife makes out with an ex and I'll send her ass to Abu Dhabi.

5.  Hot foreign nannies frequently run around in white tank-tops while braless.  They are also usually lesbians.
One of the kids she was watching sprayed her shirt with water.  These were the only nipples I saw in a movie where "sex" was 25 percent of the fucking title.

6.  Boners are hysterical.
Seriously.  You should've heard that group of four wannabes laughing their cellulite off.  It was ridiculous.

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We all enjoy things other people don't.  I guess I could understand why the die-hards would pay to see it, but everyone else should spend the two hours and 27 minutes (I counted -- second after agonizing second) and get root canals instead.  I, for one, have scheduled my lobotomy so I can forget I ever went in the first place.