Check-out Lane 7, Action News.

While waiting for the hundred-and-something-year-old relic counting pennies in front of me in the check-out line of the grocery store, I usually like to take a look at the tabloid magazines.

Where else am I going to find out what Nostradamus has in store for 2010 or when the apocalypse is, or which celebrity is gay and which ones look like they're wearing suits of cottage cheese at the beach?

Check-out Lane 7, that's where.

This actually explains a lot.

I snapped a picture of one I saw today that, if taken completely literally, is fucking hilarious.

Oprah's a busy lady.  To find out she leads a secret life as a teenage prostitute is baffling.  Plus, I can't even begin to imagine how much time and discipline (and makeup) it must take for a 56-year-old woman to pass as a teenage girl.

The thing that really scares me is the third topicpoint underneath the cover title.

"Had a baby after sex with costumers."

Holy shit.  Each customer?  If it's true that she has a baby after banging each guy, then this confirms all my suspicions that Oprah is, in fact, a fucking alien, and she needs to be stopped.  If she can mass-produce babies like the Enquirer suggests, it's only a matter of time before she and her army of sex children take over the world one mid-afternoon local cable television channel time-slot at a time.

Oprapocalypse, y'all.

In other Check-out Lane 7 news, Justin Bieber replaces Stephen Tyler as frontman of Aerosmith.

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