Is it Manly? #7 - Pedicures

Welcome to the seventh installment of Is it Manly? I know you gentlemen come to Content Unrelated for the real deal on what is and isn't manly. You trust me; and while I wonder why the fuck you'd make that mistake in the first place, I still appreciate it nonetheless.

New to the series?

Is it Manly? features one product or service in each post. Based on research conducted by me and fueled by my opinions alone; reasons, examples and evidence (mostly bullshit I make up on the spot) will be provided as to why society might deem these products as less than manly.

After an intense investigation (again, mostly bullshit), a ruling of whether or not said product or service should be considered manly will be made.

All decisions are final. No refunds, exchanges or returns.

So, what are we dealing with here?
The media and famous people have taught you that the average American is a fat, acne-ridden, unkempt, under-educated wildebeest who knows nothing about how politics or Scientology works.

They do this by constantly giving you tips on how they lost weight and achieved perfect looks through hard work and dedication (of their personal chefs, stylists and trainers).  And then they come on TV with their new abs and white teeth while you sit there watching with your fists in a bag of Doritos, crying and asking God why He gave you that birthmark on your neck that looks like a scrotum.

Women fall into this trap more than men do, and since most of them can't afford a new set of twins or liposuction or lips the size of a balloon from a Macy's Day parade, they have to do the little things to get noticed.  Because that's what women like.  Being noticed.  But don't look at them.  Or hit on them.  You'll get shot down.  But not until you buy them a couple drinks and tell them how pretty they are.

One of those aforementioned things is a pedicure.  It's basically when someone spends an hour making your toenails look wicked sweet by trimming them just right, and if the situation calls for it, digging out an in-grown and sandblasting off the funk that's caked itself on your nails.

Pictured:  That funk.

Why it's OK:
It's healthy.  The procedures followed during a routine pedicure like, help rid your feet of bacteria and shit -- so it can help keep your feet from offending people in the next continent with that vinegary roadkill scent feet tend to have when they're not taken care of.  Plus, what could be wrong with someone massaging your feet and legs with hot stones in the process?  That shit feels fucking good.

And, if you ask a woman, she'll tell you the manliest thing about doing something unmanly is admitting you did it in the first place*.  Like getting a pedicure or going to see Sex and the City 2 with her.  The trick is, you have to do these things with her so you have an excuse for doing them to begin with.  And you have to act like you don't enjoy it.  At all.  It'll still get you sex.

Why it isn't:
I mean, let's face it -- at the end of the day, you're still getting your nails done, you girl.  You might as well read a Cosmo and nibble on a 3 Musketeers bar while you're getting your nails done.

Similar, more manly options:
Cut your own damn toenails and save the 30 bucks for beer.  There's really nothing similar to getting your nails done that would also be more manly.  So enjoy your beer.  Just don't drink the fruity kind, for the love of God.

So, is it manly?
It sure as shit isn't manly, but from here on out I declare pedicures to be socially acceptable for men to partake in.  Who the fuck do you people think you are, denying us men ingrown-free toenails and hot stone massages?  Say what you will, but dammit, I have to choose comfort over complete and utter social ridicule on this one.  Sign me up.

How could it be manlier?
If the basin they dip your feet in is filled with piranhas and, after the flesh-eating fish finish their meal, the pedicurist drops a plugged-in hair dryer into the water while your mangled feet are still in it, electrocuting you to the point of either going into a coma or gaining superpowers.  Also, they have to cut your nails with chainsaws.  Yeah.  Even your pinky toe.

*Wearing thongs and kissing dudes not included. Or other soon-to-be-mentioned subjects of upcoming Is it Manly? posts.

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Now go forth and do something manly.  Dig a hole or rebuild a car or something.

There's a place you can go to meet all your Is it Manly? needs.  So when you get done here, why not help yourself to all the previous posts?  I did it to make your life easier, so show me how grateful you are, you bastard.

Want to weigh in on this post?  Have a topic for the next one?  There's a comments button.  You should consider using it.