What (Google says) you really want to know about your significant other.

I know I do a lot of posts centered around World-Dominator Google, but it's just so goddamn chock-full of material I can't help myself.

See, Google does this awesome thing where it provides search suggestions as you start to type in a query on the homepage.  It does this based on popular searches by other people.  Everything that shows up in that little dropbox has been searched for by enough people that Google automatically assumes that one of those topics is something you're ultimately going to search for.

I was given the idea by a friend to start to ask Google a question, and let it fill in the rest.  I had a little fun with it at first:

The answer to all of the above is herpes.

After I did this for the better part of four hours, I decided that, as a public service, I would find out some questions that plague couples, and then attempt to answer some of them here so as to give you a one-stop-shop for relationship advice.  Because at the end of the day, I sort of give a shit.  

Sort of.  

Remember -- everything in the dropbox is what was most commonly searched for.

Remember that.

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Here's how it's going to work; I'm going to  post the screencap of the questions, then right underneath, I answer each question in the order of which they're asked.

Okay guys, talk to me.  Ladies, you'll have your turn.  I promise.

--Because roleplaying for her is teacher/student. Roleplaying for you is Dungeons and Dragons.

--She's a whore.

--She likes when you cry.

--It's fun for her.

--Because you probably told her those jeans did make her ass look big.

--It's the price you pay for dating that hippie chick because you thought she'd put out.

--Because you're fucking annoying.

--Because you can't handle the truth like an adult.

--She's in love with your brother.

--Girls don't fart.

--Okay.  Maybe girls fart.  A lot.

--Because it's always your fault. That's marriage.  Get used to it.

--That's what women do.

--Because it's the only way she can beat you in a game of Monopoly.

--See also: "why does my wife complain so much?"

--Because you worry too much about being liked.

--It's your own fault.  You bought her the puppy.  Never give her something she'll love more than you.  Vibrators that are bigger than your dick included.

--Again.  Because you can't handle the truth like an adult.

--Because you didn't take out the fucking trash.  TAKE OUT THE FUCKING TRASH.

--The trash.  You should've taken it out.

Your move, ladies.

--Because even though he's dating you, his vision doesn't automatically blur out other girls like they're criminals on COPS.  Or he has a lazy eye.  A really horny, perverted lazy eye.

--Because you're too hot for him to handle.  Or at least you can keep telling yourself that.

--Whatever. You like it and you know it.  If he poured glitter on his chest you'd piss yourself.  Twilight fiend.

--Because you won't stop stealing the blankets.  If you're referring to sex, it's because he isn't as drunk as he was the first night he met you.

--You seriously have problems with this?

--He's tired of hearing about Eclipse.

--He's just looking for an out and he's too much a wuss to admit it.

--He's really attached to all his stuff, and he hasn't decided which half of it he wants to lose when you divorce his ass.

--Because you can't use "lie" in the proper tense when you Google something.

--What.  The.  Fuck.  It concerns me more than you know that this was even popular enough to even make the list.

--Same reason I gave you in the "why does my boyfriend..." query.

--See above.  This is going to be easy.

--It's really all his fault, as you've already pointed out a hundred times.  He's just trying to take some of the heat off of himself.

--It's easier for men to lie.  We're lazy by nature.

--To take the focus off the beer gut he's been nurturing since you guys got married.

--Because Dutch Ovens are hysterical.

--Because, um, he didn't take out the fucking trash?

--At least he still acknowledges your existence.  

--It's football season?

--It's not football season?

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I hope I could answer some of the burning questions you have about your better (or worse) half.  Just remember I'm not a doctor or a shrink or anything like that.  I barely made it out of college with a C average. So take my advice with a grain of salt.

Or better yet -- don't take it at all.