Google Has Led You Astray #5

In these posts, I explore the search terms people were using when they happened upon my little slice of 'What the Hell?" instead of getting what they really wanted -- like finding out there might be a Back to the Future reboot, being really, really excited about it, then finding out the rumored McFly would be played by none other than Justin "Whatthefuck?!" Bieber.

If you're going to do it anyway, I vote Gary Busey as Doc Brown.

Because the Internet is full of weird shit, and the world is full of people who search for it.

People found Content Unrelated when they searched for things like:

1.  "top 10 things that suck about working"
I guess this makes sense.  I don't get paid for this, so therefore it isn't work.  And, since I do this all the time, it was safe for Google to assume I never work.  At all.  That being said, Google Searcher, I'm here to go all David Letterman on your query.

10.  Your health insurance is so bad you have a $100 co-pay for Band-Aids.
9.  You can't get a promotion because you're too valuable and good at what you do in the shit position you're currently in.
8.  Your boss is a douchebucket.
7.  Your co-workers are slack-assed pieces of shit, and you're constantly making up for their laziness.
6.  Those same slack-assed piece of shit co-workers get paid more than you do.
5.  The office whore still refuses to sleep with you.
4.  The drug tests.
3.  You don't get paid for the nightmares you constantly have about working there.
2.  Your boss is younger and less qualified than you are.
1.  You're going to do it until the day you die.

You fucking asked for it.

2.  "triceratops don't exist that's what you get when you're a bitch the whole time"
I'd tell you to calm down and stop bashing a species that was just informed it never existed in the first place, but come to think of it, you're right.  The Triceratops is a bitch.  Let's consider the examples the last 20-or-so years has given us of the Triceratops.

The Jurassic Park Triceratops, or, the Whiny Bitch.
All we saw of the Triceratops in that movie was it complaining about a little bellyache.  I had diarrhea yesterday, Tricerabitch -- you don't see me laying on the floor making people stick their hands in my poo.

The Land Before Time Triceratops, or, the Über Bitch.
If dinosaurs could be racists, Cera would be head of the dino klan.  She constantly discriminated against poor Littlefoot, telling him three-horns don't associate with long-necks.  I'm pretty sure she made him drink out of a separate pond once, too.

The Power Rangers Triceratops, or, the Wimpy Bitch.
Right.  I get it.  The kid wasn't actually a Triceratops.  But he dressed like one, and he was the wussiest of the bunch.  He was sort of like Chucky from Rugrats, but, you know, older.

3.  "pictures of clothed vaginas"
This is not what the Internet is for.  You aren't fooling anyone by trying to search for the reverse of porn.  the Internet will not fall for this kind of half-assed reverse psychology.  Search for real porn like an adult.

4.  "giving away this free children's doll"
First of all, "giving away" and "free" are essentially the same thing.  Way to be redundant, asshat.  Secondly, if you're looking for the Internet for free kids' toys, you need to think about what it is you want to get, and seriously re-evaluate where you're going to get it from.  The Internet is fucking gross, so don't be surprised when you open your newly-arrived package and you see something that could easily come alive after midnight and rip out your soul.

But it was free.

5.  "said the cats, 'hey, can you take us back to that house with all the free marijuana?'"
I didn't even know what the fuck to do with this.  So I searched for it, word-for-word.  Turns out it's from a post on the Tosh.0 blog, which, while a really great blog to follow for hilarity (and show to watch for the same reasons), I was sort of thinking this was a reference to the 1999 movie Go, where a dude gets so high, the cat talks to him.

Holy shit I know, right?!

---

As always, there are plenty more where these came from. As long as people keep searching for weird shit and finding Content Unrelated instead (suckers!), I'll have fuel for this fire.

Thanks again, Internet.

For more Google shenanigans, check out the Google Has Led You Astray archives.

Don't forget, you can follow the bullshit 140 characters at a time on Twitter. Or, you can get your "like" on with Facebook.  And, since there is no shortage of simple ways to show your friends the kind of stupid shit you read, I added share buttons next to the comment link.  You should use them.  Really.

You could even make things even easier on yourself by clicking "Follow" above.