The ham is bacon.

A couple days ago, my family put a gun to my head and told me to go get them breakfast, "or else."

So, because I give zero shits about the health of myself or anyone involved, my soon-to-be clogged arteries and I drove to McDonald's.  Because that's where you go if it's 9 a.m. and you've already lost respect for yourself for the day.

"I'd like a large Number One with extra mayo and a side of infinite sadness, please.  And a diet coke."

One of the orders I was given was to substitute ham for bacon on the bacon, egg and cheese bagel.  But, upon arriving at the Magic Talking Box, I found out there's no such thing as ham in the Ronald's world.

Now, readers, you're about to learn something about me that I've never told anyone before.

I didn't know there was a difference between regular bacon and Canadian bacon.  Observe.

"Welcome to McDonald's, how may 

I raise your cholesterol today?"

"I WANNA GET FAT."

"Would you like to try a something-something [static]?"

How's that?  Oh fuck, nevermind.  Look, 

I just need a bacon, egg and cheese bagel.
But instead of the bacon, I'd like ham.

"You want that with Canadian bacon?"

"Actually, ham would be great.  You know, 

the first thing I said.  Not bacon.  Ham."

"So that's a Number Twelve with 

Canadian Bacon and a large Sprite.  

Anything else?"

"FUCK."

Let me rationalize my stupidity to you.

This is bacon.  It is crispy.  It is in strips.

This is the way I have always known bacon to be.

This is ham.  It comes in a big hunk, then is cut into thinner slices for sandwiches, subs and Egg McMuffins.

Like this McMuffin here.

<--- Ham?  Looks deceptively like ham.  Guess what?  It's not ham.

It's Canadian fucking bacon.  Bitches.

Is this common knowledge?  I've always thought the shit was ham.  I mean, really, Canada?  You're good at hockey, I'll give you that.  But you suck at bacon.  You suck hard.  Is all your food backwards?

Canadian chicken.

Canadian ham?  Why the fuck not, I guess.

Whatever.  I don't get it.  From now on I'm going to Chick-fil-A instead.

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Tell me something totally stupid you've said, done or thought and make me feel like less of a jackass.  As always, keep up with the complete and utter disregard for intelligence on Canadian Twitter and Canadian Facebook.