I can haz job?

Recently, I told you about my latest attempt at finding work that didn't involve interacting with people telling me to "chop chop" after they tell me to bring them a Coke.

That really happened.

I'm a "Hey, you," a finger-snap and a 5 percent tip away from collecting unemployment, guys.

"Fuck you and fuck this job.  I'm going on welfare."

So in this seemingly unending shitstorm of e-jobhunting, I've noticed a few similarities within the process that I just really don't understand.  These are things you read or are told within the duration of your job hunting experience that need explaining in a way only Content Unrelated can provide.

What they tell you:  "Five to seven years in a similar position is required for consideration."

What it means:  "We're too busy to do any sort of quality training, if we even decide to train you at all.  With your lengthy experience; it isn't our fault if you fuck up."

Side-note:  Five to seven years?  I can understand maybe six months.  Unless you just flat-out don't give a shit, it shouldn't take you more than that to learn the ins and outs of really any job you'll ever have.

With this little requirement, employers are really giving new and recent grads the shaft by basically telling them the four to six years they spent in college doesn't count for shit when it comes to experience.  I'm sorry, call me pretentious or high-and-mighty or whatever you want, but I didn't take out thousands of dollars in student loans and work my ass off just to make 10 bucks an hour in the fucking mail room.

"I went and got years of experience  elsewhere with a company I hate,

doing work I never enjoyed for a single second.  

So.  That position I inquired about 20 years ago still available?"

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What they tell you:  "E-mail your resume for consideration."

What it means:  "My secretary (whom I bang) will judge you solely on the maybe two-to-three hundred words on your resume based on guidelines I have given her.  She might then forward to me within the next few weeks those resumes which she thinks I might consider.  I'll read your first name, and if you remind me of someone I like, I'll give you call.  Now where's Janice. I need sex."

Not pictured: Janice. Because she's off having sex with the boss.

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What they tell you:  "Send us some samples of your best work."

What it means:  "We're totally out of ideas and, you know, we have this deadline. So, yeaaah."

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What they tell you:  "Thanks for coming in.  We're currently in the midst of an extensive interview process for this position which should last about two to three weeks -- after which time we'll inform you of our decision."

What it means:  "This time period is just long enough to where you might just forget this whole thing ever happened in the first place -- because God knows I don't want to remember it.  You're a shitty interviewee and, in spite of your glowing qualifications, I just can't bear to deal with your sweaty, stuttering awkwardness from nine to five every day.  I just can't do it.  You fail at life."

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What they tell you:  "We have carefully reviewed your resume. At this time, we believe we have candidates that more closely meet the requirements for the position."

What it means:  "While we may not need you for this position (because you suck), we are currently financing a movie in which we'd like you to have the starring role.  It's going to be a comedy surrounding the hilarious failures of a lower-middle class twenty-something male who can't seem to land a job.  It's going to be called We're Just Not That Into You."

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What they tell you:  "Really, I just think you're over-qualified for the position." (via BeMistified's comment on the last post)

What it means:  "I'm a slack-ass piece of shit; and if I hire you, you'll undoubtedly take my job because upper management will finally realize what it's like to have a decent, hard-working employee."

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What shitty experiences have you had trying to find work?  Any dumb-ass job requirements or incomprehensible reasons you've been turned down for one?  Talk about it in the comments or join the discussion on the Content Unrelated Facebook page.

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